Create Healthy Boundaries
Years ago, an older nun told me that she encourages the younger sisters to develop what she called “healthy selfishness”. By this, she meant developing the habit of taking care of themselves and setting healthy limits. When you continuously defer to others, at the expense of your own needs, you become bitter, resentful and burned out.
Julia Cameron suggests that you “stop being nice and choose to be honest instead”. Often you fail to do this because it contradicts the image you have of yourself or the way others think of you. When you are constantly meeting the expectations of others and deferring your needs, you eventually misplace your own desires and loose yourself.
Begin the fall with the intention of being nice to yourself and you will notice how much nicer you are to everyone else. It is when you set limits and take the time to care for you that you refill your “emotional pitcher” and are able to give to others with a more generous heart. This is especially true for women who have been taught to defer their needs and deny their authentic self in order to make loved ones happy. You need to allow yourself to be more genuine and less nice and take into account what each commitment will cost you.
To make the proper assessment of the cost of a commitment, you may want to use my concept Return on your Investment or ROI. It is a term that I borrowed from the financial world and adapted into my Journey Back to Self program. In finance, one examines what the investment will cost vs. the benefit one gets from it. I encourage you to do this with people and situations too. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10, what is the benefit this person will derive from my doing or investing in their request? Also on a scale of 1-10, what will it cost me?
Often times, I find that the person’s desire or need is much lower on the scale than my need. For them my action might be about a 5 or 6 because they do not really care one way or the other. On the other hand, when I check in with myself, I might realize that their request will cost me a 9 or 10 because it is an act that I will either find difficult or emotionally costly. Think about it, why should I do something that will cost me a 9 or 10, when the person is either indifferent or only cares slightly? When I make an analysis using ROI, I am now able to give myself permission to opt out of a request when the ROI is too low.
Saying “no” and being “self-protective” may not seem “nice” but it is necessary in order for you to be a healthy, more pleasant person. You need to check in with your gut and say “no” to activities that do not resonate for you. While this might at first seem selfish, factor in the price that you pay and the harried person you become when you volunteer for something that is unrealistic or not right for you. You will find that when you stop playing God and stop shouldering the responsibility for everyone else an astonishing shift occurs. When you say “no”, you create a void and other people will step up and volunteer to fill it. In addition, when you are your true self and act out of authenticity, you become more aligned with God’s grace flowing within and take on a more carefree attitude when you are of service to others.
You need to realize that teaching those around you what your priorities are—and remembering them yourself—can be a challenge, but it is worth it. Clarifying yourself to others brings honest connections that create mutual respect. Identifying those who habitually abuse your time and energy (C-level people) is pivotal, but identifying them is only the first step. Avoiding them is step two, and protecting your energy when you are around them is the final yet imperative step. (Review January Tip)
Is it really selfish to make time for your “self”? People do not mean you harm, but they do harm you when they ask for more than you are able to give. Only you can say “no” to others and learn to protect yourself. It is a challenging choice because you can not always set healthy boundaries and be popular at the same time. People want what they want and if you don’t give it to them, they will get disappointed and angry, even when they love you. But if you give them what they demand at the expense of yourself then your essence will get angry and depression will set in. When you violate your true self, a synergistic response occurs: you disconnect from your authentic self and soon feel worthless and undeserving which prevents you from acting on your own behalf, which then increases your feelings of disconnection and worthlessness.
Fall is almost here and the invitation to gear up again with various commitments is upon you. Before you make any new commitments, take some time to reflect on what I have written and honestly assess what you intend to have the year be like for you.
Reflection Questions and Blog Comments:
- Being honest with yourself, write 5 activities you would rather not take on this year. Which ones could you say “no” to doing? What activities could you have minimal involvement in?
- List 3 activities that you did this summer that grounded you and helped fill your pitcher. Which one will you incorporate into your life on a regular basis? Please share our idea with our readers.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao-Tzu