This month, I am writing about a topic many people find uncomfortable. I am writing about anger.  We tend to deny and repress this emotion because we have been socialized to believe it is not good to be angry. Emotions are neither good nor bad they just exist. The control we do have is deciding what we do with our anger. We can use it to destroy or we can learn from it and use it to transform.  When we are habitually angry, we become used to this level of stimulus and actually desire more anger in order to maintain homeostasis.  We unconsciously look for more stimuli to feed the anger; this takes up our energy and deprives us of the resources to experience a fulfilling life.

  There are some common responses to anger that can keep us stuck. As I review them this month, become aware of your “weapon of choice”. They include:

1. Blaming others. We do this when we take the posture with another person that “they are the reason that I am angry”. We want to review this dynamic and see if it is a repeated pattern that occurs in our relationships or at work. Is it a learned behavior? Is this how our parent’s treated us? Are we angry from constantly denying our own needs and giving too much? What can we learn from this anger? What do we need to do with it? Unattended, unobserved anger is dangerous because we spread it unknowingly to others through passive aggressive behavior or through over reacting.

2. Psychoanalyzing and moralizing is a second way we may respond when angry. We know that we are doing this when we use that famous phrase “I would never do that”. This form of judgment might help us to understand and accept a person but often it increases our sense of self righteousness and anger.  We need to accept people as they choose to be; and trust that people are doing the best that they can do. Acceptance does not mean that we allow people to abuse us. Our anger may be justified and a red flag telling us to pay attention and set healthy boundaries. We just do not have to whip ourselves into a rage to do so.

3. Venting anger – is a technique that can make us feel great. Venting gained popularity as a therapeutic technique in the late 60’s because it was thought to release anger. Researchers have since discovered that while it appears to be cathartic, it will actually harden the anger and exacerbate it because it creates a tighter knot of anger and justification.  While it is important to feel anger and talk about it, we want to let it go as quickly as possible. It is seductive, but dangerous, to hang on to righteous anger. While it helps us to feel justified about a slight or abuse, it also keeps us stuck.

      I would like you to have peace and harmony in your life. In order to help you do so, I am going to share some antidotes that I use in order to assist me in releasing anger.

1.  Abandon thoughts to change others.  Once again, we are looking at the Serenity Prayer. The reality is that we have no control over others. The only control that we have is with our own response to situations and other people. Once we release our anger, we will have more energy and feel freer to live our lives.

2.   Fast from anger – The shows we watch, the words we use, the people with whom we associate can unknowingly feed our anger as we take in the negative energy.  Become conscious of negative people, situations, books or shows. Pay attention to your language since our culture uses “angry terminology” unnecessarily, i.e. “My team killed our opponent today”. Also notice the use of derogatory labeling and cultivate neutral words. Develop a positive, loving affirming language because your words become reality and it will improve your disposition on life.

     3.    Practice Gratitude – It is hard to be angry when you are feeling grateful. Every day, I am constantly on the alert for a positive image that I can reflect on before I go to sleep. It might be the beauty of nature as I drive to work, a kindness that was given to me, or the fact that I sold a CD on line that day. Part of my ritual each night is to pause and remember this one good thing that happened to me. This memory helps me to relax and fall asleep in a happier state of mind.  

4.  Meditation – Begin to breathe in to the count of five, pause and exhale to the count of six. As you continue your breath, quiet your mind and focus on the moment. Continue to take deep abdominal breaths and open your heart to light and love. After a few minutes of centering breath, allow any dilemma or “negative” feeling to come within you and slowly breathe out the anger and tension. Do this a number of times. (“Feel it fully, note it and let it go”).You will notice as you “let go of the outcome”, you will become calmer and freer and your anger is replaced with a sense of detachment and compassion.

 5.  Sing, Dance and, Move    This is one of my favorites. Music and movement are effortless ways to change emotional energy. Develop a play list of songs that reflect your different moods. Blast the appropriate song as you sing at the top of your lungs and dance around. If you are agitated, begin with songs you can play that sing about anger, like the Dixie Chicks “I’m Not Ready to Be Nice” and from the play Funny Girl “Don’t Rain on My Parade”.  Once you have played them enough to shift your mood, listen to songs that make you feel empowered or happy. Begin to shake off the feelings as you continue to sing and dance around. Songs that I use when I am moving into a better place are Queen “Don’t Stop Me Now” and Dixie Chicks “And I Like It”.

   In her book, Why People Don’t Heal, Carolyn Myss states that we hang on to our anger because we have become used to the feeling and attached to it. The danger in this type of behavior is that being stuck in a feeling limits our potential because we become controlled by the pain or angry feelings. In order to let go and become our authentic self, we need to embrace what we feel and move on.  We need to use all of our feelings, including our anger, as our teachers in order to change the situation and develop a sense of control and mastery.

Reflection/Blog Questions:

1. What do you do when you are angry?
2. Please share the songs that you would put on your play list.

“Your anger is your crying baby. You must pay attention to it” (Tich Nat Han)