The holidays are a notorious generator of stress. This month, I am going to review some methods that will increase tranquility amidst stress in order to help you in have a calmer, more serene holiday. Our feelings of being in control are key factors in emotional health. It is not the reality that causes stress but rather your interpretation and how you respond to it.  When we feel a temporary loss of control we tend to feel aggravated but when there is chronic loss of control, we feel powerless, sad and depressed. Since the reality of life is that you will sometimes have little control, you need to develop more tolerance for anxiety and stress rather than trying to always take the pain away.

There are two aspects of stress: the fight/flight response and the recovery phase. We tend to think of acute crisis as triggering our fight-or flight response, but daily living, such as holiday gift buying, not having enough money, not feeling good about yourself and, not liking work can also create stress and induce the fight or flight response.  Stress can also be triggered by something someone says or an unexpected disruption to your plans - in short, anything you can’t control.

When the fight/ flight response arises the mind locks into a reactive mode to attack or to retreat. The body gears up for stress and the person stays in a state of chronic hyper-arousal. The chronic response of distress is what harms our bodies, brains, and psyche. When you feel that you have control you feel calmer, much healthier and more powerful. When things are out of control, not only does it create stress but you actually have and even higher need for control, which will create even more stress.  In order to minimize the impact of stress, you want to develop strategies to maintain a calmer lifestyle.  I suggest that you try the following:

1.      Reduce hostility. Understand how to use anger and shorten its life cycle to minimize the impact of stress-related anger. (See Nov. 09 tip)

2.      Practice the AAA Model: Start with Awareness decide to Act if there are any options or Accept if there are no options and “secondary” control is all that’s available.  In “secondary control”, we realize that we can’t control the person, or situation but we can control our reaction.  We choose behavior to lessen involvement because the less engaged we are to the person or situation, the lower the impact of the stress.

3.      Create and maintain an optimistic attitude. Studies show that people who maintain a positive outlook lower anger, anxiety, and depression. Use laughter in a preplanned and preventative way i.e. Watch funny movies. Go to a card store and read funny cards. (April 08 tip).

4.      Connect with others. The more connected you are to like minded people, the more you receive support.  Interestingly, when stress is low, it is good to have the connection with others. On the other hand, when stress is high, it is sometimes better be alone and lessen social contact and stimulation.

5.      Practice breath work.  As you exhale, the parasympathetic response increases. Attaching a word to the exhale gives the experience an extra kick.  Throughout the day, if you pause frequently during non-stress situations and breathe it will be easier to access during stress. Try taking 5 slow breaths in, pause then follow it by 6 slow exhalations. 

In the recovery stage, you gain separation between stressful events which is vital for healing because the “parasympathetic” hormones kick in and keep you calmer.  When learning to gain separation from stress, you want to develop small sustainable changes because they are more long lasting.  While you may not get rid of all the anxious thoughts, you can use distractions to be in the moment and increase the “recovery” phase thus keeping you calmer.  Some strategies to increase recovery time are as follows:

1.      Take “Time outs“ and break the chain of thoughts by saying a prescribed word like “stop” or “click”, by snapping your wrist with a rubber band, or setting a timer with a specific amount of fretting time before you choose to focus elsewhere.

2.       Develop Distractions: Once you decide to change your thought channel, you will need some attention grabbing tasks that distract you. Decide on 4-5 preplanned activities that you can do in order to distract yourself. Your bag of tricks might include cooking, music, hiking, working out, or calling a friend. Note in order to distract during a time out, you will probably have to use more than one distraction activity for each stress occurrence.

3.      Compartmentalize your stress and decide the specific time that you will focus on the problem. In this way you do not continue to carry it in your head. Once the time to deal with the issue has arrived, make a list of some concrete steps that can help you deal with it, no matter how wacky they sound write them down.

4.      Self talk is another helpful technique to reduce stress and increase recovery time. You could say to yourself, “Will this really matter in 100 years?” “The only thing I need to do at this time is….”  “I will deal with it when I have more information” because often an additional factor will appear that changes the entire situation.

In order to feel calm and empowered, you want to be more aware of the impact that a situation has on you and the choices that you can make. The first step is to listen to the cue that your body is sending. Is it feeling nervous, tense, unsettled?  Pay attention and plan.  Rather than try to decrease unhealthy behavior dramatically, start to replace it with small healthy actions using some of the ideas mentioned above. Plan ahead when you know that you will be entering into a stressful event, such as holiday gatherings or parties. Before you enter it, visualize the way you would like to be, what you would wear, and possible escape routes. (The bathroom is always a good escape, playing with the children present or doing the dishes is good because they are sociably acceptable).  A couple of days before the stressful event do something that makes you laugh in order to build up your serotonin level. Serotonin is a chemical your brain produces that creates a feeling of serenity and calm.  You can not always change the situation, but with awareness and practice you can change your attitude!

Blog/Reflection Questions:

What stress triggers do you need to be aware of this next month?

What are some pre-planned strategies that you can use to remain calm?

Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.  ~Chinese Proverb