“Love your Neighbor as Yourself” is the Golden rule. How does self love fit in with it? As you begin to love yourself and view yourself more kindly, you become less judgmental and gentler towards others. The more you accept your “authentic self”, including your weaknesses (see part I), the more tolerant you are towards yourself and others and the more fearless you are in life! When you do not love yourself, you stay stuck in “deficit thinking” (Michael Losier).  You expect little out of life, ask for less, settle for crumbs and shrink into yourself. When you do not love your self, you give yourself away to please others, you do not get what you desire and become resentful and often passive aggressive.**When you lack self love, you are more dependent on the opinion of others. Have you ever noticed the impact of a negative opinion on your self image? As you hear unkind words, even when untrue, you begin to believe them and imprint them into your being. You accept the opinions as truth and begin to pass the lies on to others. Every time you believe an unkind word, the truth is seen less clearly. These lies take you away from your authentic self and infect you with the “untruth” virus which can become contagious.  To combat a sense lack of self love, you tend to inflate your self worth through exaggeration or by belittling others through gossip or small white lies.

Gossip and lies help you feel better about yourself because they provide self justification and help you view others as worse off than yourself.  Try to recall a time that you hooked other people and spread a small lie or “stretched the truth”, in order to make your opinion right. When was the last time that you told a “white lie” in order to protect your position? As you become more authentic and accept yourself, you are better able to state the truth and accept the consequences. You are also able to recognize gossip and lies when they appear and resist them.

Earlier this month, I challenged you to “fall in love” with yourself for Valentines Day.  I asked you to list one positive quality each night. Starting today, why don’t you review that list and repeat one quality each day?  Notice that when you focus on your positive traits, you break the spell of negative messages and become more objective with personal criticism and do not have to defend your posture so rigorously.

Suddenly the golden rule, “Love your neighbor as yourself” makes more sense. When you love yourself, you accept yourself and others with more gentleness and compassion. You begin to view imperfections more kindly. You step out of the defensive posture and are able to recognize and praise other people’s accomplishments because you feel less competitive. When you love yourself, you no longer need to gossip or tell small white lies because you are more comfortable speaking the truth and willing to accept the consequences.

** passive aggressive is subtle resistance to following through with expectations in personal or occupational situations.

Blog questions/comments:

Who or what has helped you recognize your strengths?

When have you spoken your truth and risked rejection?

What still hooks you into gossip or telling white lies?

“That’s a white lie that’s the kind you want to tell. A white lie so your Mom won’t have to yell. Everybody does it cuz it feels alright and it’s more polite but a lie’s still a lie even when it’s white.”      Lyrics: White lie by Zachary Pincus-Roth Lie to Me)

  In a few weeks it will be Valentines Day. This year why not fall in love with yourself? You might wonder if this isn’t egotistical and selfish. Not really. The way that you view yourself influences the way that you treat yourself and how you represent yourself to others. “Be grounded in love, be your authentic self and speak your truth” I once was told. Since that time it is a maxim that I have tried to live my life by. What if it became your maxim too?  What would it be like to truly love yourself, feel comfortable with your authentic self and speak your truth, as you know it?

As you become more comfortable with your authentic self, accepting your strengths and weaknesses, you begin to view yourself more lovingly and gain the courage to speak more honestly. Self love gives you a stronger immunity against the toxicity of others and enables you to set healthy boundaries as you become surer of your desires and needs and less vulnerable to the negative opinion of others. One question I ask myself when I am criticized is if this is an accurate assessment. Sometimes when I am uncertain, I will ask other people who know me well. Once I have a handle on what is true for me, it gives me the courage to stay grounded and gently but firmly speak my truth, even if it is unpopular.  I am able to live by Shakespeare’s quotation “To thine own self be true”.

Do you ever wonder where your self image came from? When you were growing up the opinion of your parents and teachers had a tremendous affect on you. Without being aware of it, their opinion entered into your core and affected your feelings about your self worth. When you were told a negative about your self, even if it was untrue, you began to believe it and often fulfill it. Can you recall this happening to you? Have words been used against you that have come to define your perception of yourself? My 4^th grade teacher told my mother that she thought I was “borderline retarded”.  Although I never had a grade lower than 86 my entire academic life, it was a label I believed until my mid twenties.  In spite of empirical evidence to the contrary, I always assumed that I was the “dumbest kid” in my class and as a result stayed deferential to others.  Have you accepted assessments of yourself that were not true? Could you give us some examples?

In preparation for Valentine’s Day, fall in love with your authentic self.  In the next few weeks become more conscious of the labels that you have bought. Pay attention to the way your words and judgments have become your reality. Begin to question if some of these negative descriptions may be false or outdated. List the characteristics that are equally true about you and notice that you will actually relax and feel more comfortable about yourself. I want to give you the same challenge I give my clients: for the next two weeks before you go to bed, record one positive aspect of yourself or one compliment that you have received. Then begin to repeat them and make them part of the thread of your authentic self. Mid month, I will address your comments and write about how self love impacts your relationship with others.

Blog questions/comments:

What were some of the messages about yourself that you were given? Are they true?

Share the positive attributes that you discovered these past few week

Your word … manifests your feelings of who you really are… Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you. It is important be aware the words that you choose to use and the importance of the word. The Four Agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz

This month Susan wrote a comment about the 1/3/10 post with the following comment: “Your tip on multitasking really resonated with me. For years I was proud to be a “multitasker”; now I am just tired. It started off so easily, I was young, energetic and driven. I prided myself in how much I could achieve in a day! But some where along the line the bar just kept getting higher. I became more successful at my job, got married, had kids. As my responsibilities grew and so did the multitasking! Now all this juggling is just expected of me and continues to worsen as the kids become teenagers and my company keeps downsizing. I am constantly in “5th gear” which is not only dangerous but it is burning up my fuel. What do I do? This is my life!!!! How do I slow this down?”Is Multitasking the reality of your life? Are you like Susan, caught in a cycle that is hard to break? What can you do about it? My first suggestion would be to become aware of it! When you are rushing begin to distinguish when your life is full because that is your reality or if you are filling it up to distract yourself. During the winter, because I am more housebound, I sit at the computer often because I have forgotten what else to do to relax. Initially it is a habit I enjoy, but hours later I am wound up and not the least bit relaxed. What is it that you do?

If you are caught in the frenzy of multitasking, a good solution is to become conscious of what is happening at the specific time. It is helpful to be open to your thoughts and feelings and try not to evaluate or judge them. Begin to identify and label what is occurring and how you are feeling. For example, “I am thinking”, “I am worrying”, “I am feeling overwhelmed”.  You might also ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I need to be doing this right now?
2. What could I postpone for a later date or not do at all?
3. What’s the worst that would happen , if I don’t do it?
4. Do I want to do this now? If not, when?
5. How much time do I want to spend on it?
6. What motivates my behavior?
7. What would I be doing if I wasn’t busy right now?

What do you do if, like Susan, the demands of life are real and you do have a great deal of expectations and responsibility? Have you ever considered making time to take a half an hour lunch break and go for a walk? Could you take a half day one weekend a month and spend it the way you wish? Is that too much time for “you”? How about just taking two hours a month?  Often my clients tell me that they “can’t afford to pamper themselves”, yet they find the money to buy their children luxuries and the time to drive their children to every extra curricular activity imaginable. What is wrong with this picture? When does “good parenting” turn into over indulgence at the parent’s expense?  What kind of modeling is being done here? Are you making another generation of multitaskers?

Does your mind race and have you forgotten how to relax? Are you conscious of what is happening in your day and your reaction to the situation? Are you honest with yourself?  I hope that you will begin to be aware of the way you think and act and label it with “soft mental notes”**.  It is my hope that this month, you will become aware of when you multitask and question if you really wish to stay in 5^th gear.

** “A Soft mental note” is the nonjudgmental description of your feeling.

Blog questions:

When do you multitask?

What helps you to slow down when you multitask?

“Most of the time multitasking is an illusion. You think you are multitasking, but in reality you’re actually wasting time switching from one task to another.”
Boco Tjan - Professor at University of Southern California

Happy New Year!  Beginning in 2010, I will be writing shorter tips on a more regular basis, which I hope will give you additional information and leave more room for discussion. I encourage you to ask questions in the comment section below, or go directly to the Facebook fan page. I will answer these questions periodically throughout the month.  I would like to share some ideas about Multitasking and ways to reduce it in order to help you slow down and live in the present moment.

What is Multitasking?

It is when you handle more than one task at the same time or perform multiple projects on parallel tracks. Society now functions at a very fast pace and continues to move exponentially using many gadgets and internet sites. We are now connected to the world 24/7 and this instant information makes us feel on top of everything that is going on yet multitasking has been criticized as a hindrance to feeling happy.

In addition, Western society gives the message that to day dream wastes time and to be busy and productive is of value.  To further, exacerbate this situation, you are encouraged to stay busy in order to avoid unpleasant thoughts or experiences. Initially activity does decrease your thoughts and worries and can be helpful when dealing with pain. The dilemma is that eventually the current level of activity is no longer effective and the pain gets more insistent forcing you to ramp up your activity.

Could Multitasking be a hindrance to you?

In an effort to keep stress contained, you get busier and your body learns to function in 5^th gear and finds it difficult to slow down, relax and even sleep.  Studies have shown that multitasking actually diminishes the effectiveness of performing tasks, increasing stress and activating the fight/flight response (see Dec tip).Constant multitasking has been found to actually diminish brain function and kills brain cells. (David Meyer, Univ. of Michigan Study).

 Join me January 15 when I respond to your questions and share some ways to decrease the stress caused by Multitasking.

Blog Questions/Comment:

What keeps hooks you into multitasking?

What else would you like to know?

 Please feel free to comment or ask questions.

 “It’s a new dawn.  It’s a new day., It’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good” (“Feeling Good” lyrics by Micahel Buble)

 In order to be of further assistance to you, I will be adding additional tips and information on Facebook Fan page. To read more you can become a fan simply click on  ” Journey Back to Self” below.

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   The holidays are a notorious generator of stress. This month, I am going to review some methods that will increase tranquility amidst stress in order to help you in have a calmer, more serene holiday. Our feelings of being in control are key factors in emotional health. It is not the reality that causes stress but rather your interpretation and how you respond to it.  When we feel a temporary loss of control we tend to feel aggravated but when there is chronic loss of control, we feel powerless, sad and depressed. Since the reality of life is that you will sometimes have little control, you need to develop more tolerance for anxiety and stress rather than trying to always take the pain away.

There are two aspects of stress: the fight/flight response and the recovery phase. We tend to think of acute crisis as triggering our fight-or flight response, but daily living, such as holiday gift buying, not having enough money, not feeling good about yourself and, not liking work can also create stress and induce the fight or flight response.  Stress can also be triggered by something someone says or an unexpected disruption to your plans - in short, anything you can’t control.

When the fight/ flight response arises the mind locks into a reactive mode to attack or to retreat. The body gears up for stress and the person stays in a state of chronic hyper-arousal. The chronic response of distress is what harms our bodies, brains, and psyche. When you feel that you have control you feel calmer, much healthier and more powerful. When things are out of control, not only does it create stress but you actually have and even higher need for control, which will create even more stress.  In order to minimize the impact of stress, you want to develop strategies to maintain a calmer lifestyle.  I suggest that you try the following:

1.      Reduce hostility. Understand how to use anger and shorten its life cycle to minimize the impact of stress-related anger. (See Nov. 09 tip)

2.      Practice the AAA Model: Start with Awareness decide to Act if there are any options or Accept if there are no options and “secondary” control is all that’s available.  In “secondary control”, we realize that we can’t control the person, or situation but we can control our reaction.  We choose behavior to lessen involvement because the less engaged we are to the person or situation, the lower the impact of the stress.

3.      Create and maintain an optimistic attitude. Studies show that people who maintain a positive outlook lower anger, anxiety, and depression. Use laughter in a preplanned and preventative way i.e. Watch funny movies. Go to a card store and read funny cards. (April 08 tip).

4.      Connect with others. The more connected you are to like minded people, the more you receive support.  Interestingly, when stress is low, it is good to have the connection with others. On the other hand, when stress is high, it is sometimes better be alone and lessen social contact and stimulation.

5.      Practice breath work.  As you exhale, the parasympathetic response increases. Attaching a word to the exhale gives the experience an extra kick.  Throughout the day, if you pause frequently during non-stress situations and breathe it will be easier to access during stress. Try taking 5 slow breaths in, pause then follow it by 6 slow exhalations. 

In the recovery stage, you gain separation between stressful events which is vital for healing because the “parasympathetic” hormones kick in and keep you calmer.  When learning to gain separation from stress, you want to develop small sustainable changes because they are more long lasting.  While you may not get rid of all the anxious thoughts, you can use distractions to be in the moment and increase the “recovery” phase thus keeping you calmer.  Some strategies to increase recovery time are as follows:

1.      Take “Time outs“ and break the chain of thoughts by saying a prescribed word like “stop” or “click”, by snapping your wrist with a rubber band, or setting a timer with a specific amount of fretting time before you choose to focus elsewhere.

2.       Develop Distractions: Once you decide to change your thought channel, you will need some attention grabbing tasks that distract you. Decide on 4-5 preplanned activities that you can do in order to distract yourself. Your bag of tricks might include cooking, music, hiking, working out, or calling a friend. Note in order to distract during a time out, you will probably have to use more than one distraction activity for each stress occurrence.

3.      Compartmentalize your stress and decide the specific time that you will focus on the problem. In this way you do not continue to carry it in your head. Once the time to deal with the issue has arrived, make a list of some concrete steps that can help you deal with it, no matter how wacky they sound write them down.

4.      Self talk is another helpful technique to reduce stress and increase recovery time. You could say to yourself, “Will this really matter in 100 years?” “The only thing I need to do at this time is….”  “I will deal with it when I have more information” because often an additional factor will appear that changes the entire situation.

In order to feel calm and empowered, you want to be more aware of the impact that a situation has on you and the choices that you can make. The first step is to listen to the cue that your body is sending. Is it feeling nervous, tense, unsettled?  Pay attention and plan.  Rather than try to decrease unhealthy behavior dramatically, start to replace it with small healthy actions using some of the ideas mentioned above. Plan ahead when you know that you will be entering into a stressful event, such as holiday gatherings or parties. Before you enter it, visualize the way you would like to be, what you would wear, and possible escape routes. (The bathroom is always a good escape, playing with the children present or doing the dishes is good because they are sociably acceptable).  A couple of days before the stressful event do something that makes you laugh in order to build up your serotonin level. Serotonin is a chemical your brain produces that creates a feeling of serenity and calm.  You can not always change the situation, but with awareness and practice you can change your attitude!

Blog/Reflection Questions:

What stress triggers do you need to be aware of this next month?

What are some pre-planned strategies that you can use to remain calm?

Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.  ~Chinese Proverb

 This month, I am writing about a topic many people find uncomfortable. I am writing about anger.  We tend to deny and repress this emotion because we have been socialized to believe it is not good to be angry. Emotions are neither good nor bad they just exist. The control we do have is deciding what we do with our anger. We can use it to destroy or we can learn from it and use it to transform.  When we are habitually angry, we become used to this level of stimulus and actually desire more anger in order to maintain homeostasis.  We unconsciously look for more stimuli to feed the anger; this takes up our energy and deprives us of the resources to experience a fulfilling life.

  There are some common responses to anger that can keep us stuck. As I review them this month, become aware of your “weapon of choice”. They include:

1. Blaming others. We do this when we take the posture with another person that “they are the reason that I am angry”. We want to review this dynamic and see if it is a repeated pattern that occurs in our relationships or at work. Is it a learned behavior? Is this how our parent’s treated us? Are we angry from constantly denying our own needs and giving too much? What can we learn from this anger? What do we need to do with it? Unattended, unobserved anger is dangerous because we spread it unknowingly to others through passive aggressive behavior or through over reacting.

2. Psychoanalyzing and moralizing is a second way we may respond when angry. We know that we are doing this when we use that famous phrase “I would never do that”. This form of judgment might help us to understand and accept a person but often it increases our sense of self righteousness and anger.  We need to accept people as they choose to be; and trust that people are doing the best that they can do. Acceptance does not mean that we allow people to abuse us. Our anger may be justified and a red flag telling us to pay attention and set healthy boundaries. We just do not have to whip ourselves into a rage to do so.

3. Venting anger – is a technique that can make us feel great. Venting gained popularity as a therapeutic technique in the late 60’s because it was thought to release anger. Researchers have since discovered that while it appears to be cathartic, it will actually harden the anger and exacerbate it because it creates a tighter knot of anger and justification.  While it is important to feel anger and talk about it, we want to let it go as quickly as possible. It is seductive, but dangerous, to hang on to righteous anger. While it helps us to feel justified about a slight or abuse, it also keeps us stuck.

      I would like you to have peace and harmony in your life. In order to help you do so, I am going to share some antidotes that I use in order to assist me in releasing anger.

1.  Abandon thoughts to change others.  Once again, we are looking at the Serenity Prayer. The reality is that we have no control over others. The only control that we have is with our own response to situations and other people. Once we release our anger, we will have more energy and feel freer to live our lives.

2.   Fast from anger – The shows we watch, the words we use, the people with whom we associate can unknowingly feed our anger as we take in the negative energy.  Become conscious of negative people, situations, books or shows. Pay attention to your language since our culture uses “angry terminology” unnecessarily, i.e. “My team killed our opponent today”. Also notice the use of derogatory labeling and cultivate neutral words. Develop a positive, loving affirming language because your words become reality and it will improve your disposition on life.

     3.    Practice Gratitude – It is hard to be angry when you are feeling grateful. Every day, I am constantly on the alert for a positive image that I can reflect on before I go to sleep. It might be the beauty of nature as I drive to work, a kindness that was given to me, or the fact that I sold a CD on line that day. Part of my ritual each night is to pause and remember this one good thing that happened to me. This memory helps me to relax and fall asleep in a happier state of mind.  

4.  Meditation – Begin to breathe in to the count of five, pause and exhale to the count of six. As you continue your breath, quiet your mind and focus on the moment. Continue to take deep abdominal breaths and open your heart to light and love. After a few minutes of centering breath, allow any dilemma or “negative” feeling to come within you and slowly breathe out the anger and tension. Do this a number of times. (“Feel it fully, note it and let it go”).You will notice as you “let go of the outcome”, you will become calmer and freer and your anger is replaced with a sense of detachment and compassion.

 5.  Sing, Dance and, Move    This is one of my favorites. Music and movement are effortless ways to change emotional energy. Develop a play list of songs that reflect your different moods. Blast the appropriate song as you sing at the top of your lungs and dance around. If you are agitated, begin with songs you can play that sing about anger, like the Dixie Chicks “I’m Not Ready to Be Nice” and from the play Funny Girl “Don’t Rain on My Parade”.  Once you have played them enough to shift your mood, listen to songs that make you feel empowered or happy. Begin to shake off the feelings as you continue to sing and dance around. Songs that I use when I am moving into a better place are Queen “Don’t Stop Me Now” and Dixie Chicks “And I Like It”.

   In her book, Why People Don’t Heal, Carolyn Myss states that we hang on to our anger because we have become used to the feeling and attached to it. The danger in this type of behavior is that being stuck in a feeling limits our potential because we become controlled by the pain or angry feelings. In order to let go and become our authentic self, we need to embrace what we feel and move on.  We need to use all of our feelings, including our anger, as our teachers in order to change the situation and develop a sense of control and mastery.

Reflection/Blog Questions:

1. What do you do when you are angry?
2. Please share the songs that you would put on your play list.

“Your anger is your crying baby. You must pay attention to it” (Tich Nat Han)

   The Universe always seems to offer us what we need. At the end of the summer, I was contemplating ways that I could maintain my “summer rhythm” and keep inner peace while the distractions in my life increased again.  I pondered my dilemma while staying at my friend’s beach house. While in her guest room, I picked up the book Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.  Now, for years, I have seen this book in her guest room. I own it and have read it about 4 times. Once again, I picked it up and began to read.

   Although it was written in 1955, Lindbergh’s messages are not only contemporary, but her theme is similar, if not identical, to Julia Cameron’s message and my own philosophy in Journey Back to Self.  Since this book reminded me of some essential truths, I have decided to take some of Lindbergh’s wisdom and adapted it into Journey Back to Self Language.

    In order to stay balanced, we need to alternate our rhythm between life giving activities and service. Lindberg believes that “a life of multiplicity” leads not to unification but to fragmentation. We tend to have interests and duties that go in many directions and to various people.  The challenge becomes discovering the ways to remain grounded and balanced, no matter what demands and distractions come into our daily lives and challenge our peace and balance.   It is challenging for us to achieve a balance in the midst of these contradictory tensions, and yet how necessary for healthy functioning in our lives.   The value placed on the importance of multitasking, the demands of daily living and our constant availability through phones, emails and BlackBerrys tm runs counter to having a contemplative, serene life.

   If this is your current reality, what can you do to change it???  This month, I am going to encourage you to try three things as antidotes to this dilemma in an effort to help you to relax and have a more balanced, serene life.

1.      Simplification – I encourage you to take some time and reflect on this question:   

“What objects or possessions are really necessary in my life?” This question will invite you to begin purging non-essentials: old clothes, magazines, “dust collectors”. Consider donating all those things that you hang on to “just in case”. They take up valuable space in your home and your mind as the clutter distracts and robs serenity.  But simplification of our outward life is only the beginning. It is one technique that helps to acquire the grace to simplify your interior.  

    Next, I would invite you to have an interior purging. Examine your notions about absolute tidiness and cleanliness.  Explore your false idea about how important your achievements, material possessions and appearance really make on others. Our false beliefs keep us acquisitive and on a never ending upward ladder of achievement that is exhausting.

   Finally, I invite you to shed the mask that you present to others in order to be accepted. As intimidating as it may be, I encourage you to become your authentic self. Be honest about your desires and limitations because being insincere is exhausting.  When you are estranged from your authentic self, you also become estranged from others. Only when you connect to your core are you able to truly connect to people.  The best way to find your authentic self is in solitude which I will talk more about in this tip.

 2.  Calculate ROI.  Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10, what is the benefit this person will derive from my doing their request? Also on a scale of 1-10, what will it cost me? (See September 08 tip for fuller explanation). We instinctively want to give, yet we tend to resent giving our self away purposelessly. We need to begin to discern whether the expectations and requests made to us are important, realistic or someone else’s job.

3. Taking time for Solitude is crucial in order to remain centered and balanced. It is also one of the things most sabotaged in contemporary society.  Solitude competes with television, radio and Ipods blasting in every room of the house. And as mentioned before, many of us are constantly “connected” via phones and “BlackBerries” tm .  What if you made a conscious decision to disconnect for a specific period of time??  What if you decided to turn off all electronic devices?

    If we are expected to give to others, we must be replenished. We must become convinced that we are entitled to take a day off or an hour off and have solitude. Yet we feel unjustified in our demand, burdened by all there is to “do” and we rarely even make the attempt for this solitude. You must consciously create the space for solitude, in order to oppose the frenetic forces of today. We need solitude in order to find our true desires and our true authenticity

                  The question becomes:  Once you have created the opening, how do you fill your “emotional pitcher”?  What can you do?  This is where Cameron’s “touchstones” come in handy.  A touchstone is a running list of fun ideas or adventures that you would like to do when you “have the time”(see June 08 tip)   in order to nourish and fill your “emotional pitcher”. It can be a creative experience, an experience in nature, a physical activity. It is anything you do that helps you to loose track of time, still your mind and make you feel content and full.

It is only when we fill our pitcher and keep our authentic self in tact, that we will acquire the necessary energy to give to our family, our friends or the world at large.

      Thomas Merton wrote, “There is a pervasive form of contemporary violence… overwork. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything… destroys our inner capacity for peace…. it kill  inner wisdom… and is a form of violence to ourselves.”  This month, I invite you to reflect on your life. Are you committing violence? If so, for how long will you be able to keep up this pace? What collateral damage is being done as you try to do it all?

Reflection/Blog Questions:

1. What keeps you engaged in the constant demands of  life?
2. If you were to create some “free” time, what would you do?

  “We spill our self away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace , to let the pitcher fill up to the brim”.  (Adapted from Gift of the Sea)

    September is here and because I live in New England it is time for Patriot football, fresh apples and crisp fresh air. Most people are energized and ecstatic about this time of year, but not me. I am afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. For the most part, I have an even keeled, optimistic personality. During the summer, I spend as much time as possible out doors and I am bubbling over with enthusiasm.  Something begins to happen to me mid August. The sun becomes lower in the sky, and like the sun, my positive attitude lowers. While most people are embracing the briskness, I am freezing.  Finally, my house is in a valley surrounded by trees. If you were to walk a quarter of a mile from my home, you would find the world sunny and bright. At my house, even at 11am, there are shadows and darkness. The combination of less sun and cool weather makes my SAD kick in. I wake up in the morning feeling anxious and tense.  When I leave my street, I feel buoyed as I drive in the sun. Upon my arrival home, a veil of tension envelops me like a thin layer of muslin. I get a sense that there is something wrong when there isn’t. I feel overwhelmed, discouraged and anxious.

  This year, I decided to use the experience as a teaching tool and make lemonade out of the lemons.  One of my favorite sayings is “If this is my reality, how do I make it work”.  I have decided to be conscious of the things I do to shift my energy in order to be more positive. For the past month, I have kept notes on the ways that I move through seasonal depression and I have formulized ideas and steps that you can adopt to help you. In my practice, I see many clients who suffer from chronic anxiety and they have found some of these suggestions helpful. I hope that you will too. Whether you are affected by anxiety, depression or SAD, it is my hope that these suggestions will help you to move more gracefully through it and embrace life more fully.

According to Robert Holden in his book, “Be Happy: The Power of Happiness in You”, one can train oneself to be happy. While SAD is diagnosed as a physical condition, my clients have experienced less tension and sadness when following some of these positive steps. 

1. Identify it. The first step is to pay attention to how you are feeling and where you feel your unease.  Identify the possible reasons for your feelings.  Are you out of work? Have your kids left for school and your house is empty? Is it a habit or a familiar feeling? Do you sink into sadness as a way to blow off or delay a creative action?   Are you sitting in your house with nothing planned and a void is created? When I begin to feel unsettled, I am ruthlessly honest with myself and scan my life and my present situation. If I am sure that there is no apparent reason for the sadness and uneasiness (i.e. I am hungry, getting sick or I am exhausted) and no current issues that need to be addressed, I just move on and decide to eradicate it anyway that I can. Julia Cameron states that “the act of motion puts us into the now and helps us to stop spinning” (Artist Way).

2. Note it fully, feel it, shake yourself off and move. After I have done a scan and realize I am anxious for no apparent reason, I move on. I think movement is one of the best antidotes for stress. If possible, do 20 minutes or more of exercise because it relieves stress, clears your brain and increases endorphins. Exercise moves us from stagnation to energy and from self pity to self confidence. When your alarm goes off, get out of bed immediately, stretch, take a shower and make time to eat a breakfast that is healthy and pleases your palate. (Healthy eating combats low blood sugar which can mimic anxiety).You can also listen to music that makes you happy: find a beat that matches the rhythm that you desire for your day.  After having taken care of your body, make the intention to go out and take on the day with some of the ideas below.  It is also helpful to accept your reality and stop fighting it. Instead, think about what you can do to help yourself. In my case, I can dress warmly and drink warm soothing drinks and cook warm, hearty meals. Because I know that I have SAD, I get out in the sun as much as possible. I often try to see a friend or do an errand late in the day, when my spirits are especially low. I sit in my car because it is warm and sunny, go for walks in the sun or read in a local mall because it has an atrium and gets sunlight.

3. “Wake up with a plan” suggests Susan Colon editor of O magazine.    Have tentative plans in place and be proactive with your day. The night before, decide on one thing to do the following day that pleases you and do it. I usually decide on a happy outfit I am going to wear because it helps me feel positive about the next day. If it is a day off, decide in advance the type of “adventure” you would like to have. Then get out of the house and do it, whether you feel like it or not.  Preplan and know activities that generally make you happy?  This is where a list of “touchstones” or “adventures” comes in handy. (See June 08 tip).  When you have free time and do not know what to do with yourself, look at the list of intriguing things that you would like to do. It may be perusing a book store, sitting in Starbucks, walking in nature, calling a friend.  Also have a list of things that you want to do when you have time and make yourself do them. Some ideas are cleaning out the photos on your computer, organizing files, or cleaning out your pantry or closet because when we organize our personal space, we feel more centered and calmer. If you are a social person, have a list of people that you can call. These people should be positive people who will boost your spirit and make you laugh. If you identify places and activities that make you happy in advance you will be more proactive when you are feeling low. Whenever possible choose to do what brings you the most joy. Be honest with yourself and write down the types of activities that interest you most and make you forget about time.

    Fall is here and for me so is SAD.  I am lucky, because once the leaves fall off the trees, my house gets sun again and I actually come out of it. But some of you are not as fortunate. Your SAD may last all winter or you might live with a low grade level of anxiety.  If your dip in positive energy is longer lasting or chronic, you will need to be more proactive but you can still have that shift.  The choice is yours: this year you can either stay in your house and “curse the darkness or you can light a candle.”

Blogg Questions:

1. What are some of your triggers for anxiety, depression or inertia?

2. Share a list of activities that make you happy or center you.

The goal then is to connect to a world outside of us, to loose the obsessive self-focus of self exploration and simply explore.  Julia Cameron

   There is a song from the play, Porgy and Bess that says, “Summer time and the living is easy”.  Summer is also an easy time to add new activities into your life and be happier. This month, I will share with you some simple things that you can do this summer in order to refill your “emotional energy pitcher” and have a more positive outlook on life.

    In his new book, Be Happy: The Power of Happiness in You.” Dr. Robert Holden states that “it is possible to train yourself to be happy because your psychology of life creates the world you experience”.  His study on happiness has been independently tested by psychologists and neuro-scientists, who recorded the amazing results that occur when people change their outlook. A new perspective will open up new possibilities which will shift your experience of the world and increase your happiness, and sense of well-being.

   You experience happiness when you relax into your situation. Beginning today, make the intention to relax into the summer and have fun.  Once again, review your life and let go of any “non-essentials”; things that do not have to be done right now.  If you live in the Northeast, you have 3 months of extra daylight and warmer weather.  Take advantage of it and make the decision to participate in everything fun this summer. If you live elsewhere, school is out and most people are in the “vacation” mode, so have a “mental” vacation from the ordinary.

Here are a few simple suggestions that will help you to enjoy this summer:

1. Ground yourself with nature: If you live in the country, you can plant a garden, take a blanket and lay on the lawn while you look at the clouds, get a lawn chair and sit outside and read a book. You can go on an adventure: find a water source like a river, lake or ocean and spend some time beside it. Make sure that you at least wet your feet.  If you are a city slicker: buy a patio plant for the fire escape and watch it grow, go to the park early in the morning or at the end of the day and sit on a bench, take off your shoes and feel the grass.  Walk to a river or lake and hike along it or just sit on a blanket and relax.

2. Commit to a 2 hour “Artist date” once a week.  Julia Cameron in The Artist Way describes an “artist date as aimless play”.  It is a play date that you preplan and commit to doing in order to nurture your creative inner being. When on an artist day, you travel solo as you set aside time to do something that makes you happy and renews your energy.

3. Wear colorful, fun clothes. Summer is a great time to wear color.  Put the black      and gray outfits in the back of the closet. Pull out or buy some vibrant clothes.  It could be a fun belt, or a bright shirt. Also, go bare legged every opportunity that you can. If you are a woman, paint your toes red; every time you look at them you will feel happy.

4. Stop and savor the moment.  While you are out and about, stop and buy an ice cream cone, drink some ice tea or make a tall glass of lemonade. Then take the time to sit and enjoy it. Take a moment to watch the birds, or listen to street corner musicians.

5. Spend time with the loved ones who bring you joy, especially children or grand children.  You have a brief snap shot in time; enjoy your family while you can.  As you let go of the non-essentials you will have more free time to take them on “adventures”. You can go to the beach, the park, a carnival or a parade. Go anywhere and do anything that makes you happy. Your joy will be contagious.

    I have begun to practice what I preach and take the summer off. This will be my last tip until September. Since I am happily booked up this fall, I intend to have lots of fun the next few months in order to refill my emotional energy pitcher. In this way, I will be energized when I begin the Journey program again in a few months. As I free up my time, I plan to do the suggestions above and have as many adventures as possible.  My hope is that you will do the same.

Live with your whole being all the days of your life.  Your reward will
be true happiness.      Rebecca Thomas Shane

Reflection Questions or Blog Comment:
                                                                                    

Please share your ideas to inspire the other readers.

1. What “non-essentials” could you let go of for the summer.
2. Write down 5 “adventures” that you would like to have this summer.