WORRY WASTES ENERGY and does not accomplish anything positive. You get stuck in a default position and you feel uneasy because you focus on fear rather than a solution. Night time worry is especially insidious because you tend to be in an ineffectual position. Generally there is little that you can do at that moment to solve your situation. Thus your mind races with “what if’s” which make it difficult for you to settle down.  Worry can become a destructive mental habit of repetitive, negative thoughts that creates stress and “dis-ease”. You may have valid reasons to be concerned. When it is realistic or appropriate, you would be better served to shift your thoughts from worry to curiosity about the situation.

CURIOSITY CONFRONTS THE PROBLEM and looks for constructive solutions. Have you ever untangled a ball of yarn? When it snags, you need to be very patient and examine each piece in order to untangled and unwind it. Often a worry or a frustrating problem can be resolved through this type of curiosity. You calmly pick at each snag, put it down when you are stuck then come back to it gently re-examining and unraveling some more. Some nights, curiosity may actually prevent sleep. This is because your mind is examining the problem from different perspectives in order to uncover solutions that may not be obvious. In is the case if you begin to feel stuck, put the problem down like you would the yarn and invite your unconscious to sleep on the situation. Often you will find that you come up with a solution in the morning just as you awaken.

FIND YOUR TRIGGER. Next time you find yourself incessantly worrying take note: notice the time of day, the topic of worry and what you are doing. Two times that I worry the most is when I am not feeling well or when I am tired. In both cases, I am less resilient and therefore less capable. Since discovering this trigger, my antidote is simple self talk. I remind myself that I am tired or feeling sick and will choose to re-examine the worry at another time. Generally, when I do re-visit it, I find it more manageable. Another “self talk” I say is I will worry about it when I have all the information. I find that when the “worry” finally arrives, it often has new aspects or people to assist that I had not considered and is more manageable.

FIGURE OUT THE ROOT CAUSE. Does your worry provide a distraction? Sometime you unconsciously focus on a worry because it prevents you from doing something you really need to accomplish. For example, it is much easier to worry about your partner’s need to lose weight, than lose it yourself. In some families, worry can be way of showing concern and love about someone.  Do you feel heartless if you step back and allow a loved one to solve his problem?  Is worry your designated role in your family, friendship or work place? When you are the “go to person” for solutions, initially it might make you feel good because it can create an illusion of power and importance but it can also be exhausting.

CHANGE THE HABIT. Notice the person or situation that you worry about the most. Once you identify it, establish a new habit. Take the worry and place it in an imaginary hot air balloon or a boat on a lake. Then as you take some slow deep breaths gently release it to God on the exhale. Another idea is to carry a small stone in your pocket as a reminder that you have “let go”. When you start to worry, begin rubbing the rock and then move the stone to the other pocket. This will help interrupt the worry cycle and give you a chance to refocus. If worry is a morning habit, upon awakening, take a few minutes to lay still and take some slow deep breaths. As you exhale, visualize “letting go” of the worry and invite your body to feel relaxed by repeating the word “relax” on the exhale. As you continue to breathe, get in the habit of thinking about one positive in your life that is equally true. (This is usually the time I decide to wear something cute thing that day to make me happy.)

Many people spend a great deal of time and energy worrying about what may or may not ever happen in the future. If you let them, worries will march into your psyche the moment you open your eyes and can continue to agitate you throughout the day, robbing you of peace and serenity. You do not actually worry about what is happening right at that moment because you are busy responding. Often when the worry situation finally arrives you have more resiliencies then you imagined to deal with it. This month, I invite you try the above tips and become curious about your life challenges as you follow the advice in Bob Marley’s song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”!

Reflection questions:

What is your chief worry?

When do you tend to worry?

What is one positive thought you can use to replace your worry.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy”. Leo Buscaglia

Are you a “Martha” or a “Mary”? There were once two sisters named Martha and Mary. Martha was the doer of the pair, she would make sure the meals were made, the house was cleaned and everything was ready for her guests. When the company would arrive, everything would be perfect, but she would often be uptight and irritable. Mary, on the other hand, had a more serene nature and did not worry about those details. In fact, she hardly noticed food or what the house looked like. Instead, she took time for a walk or to meditate and was radiant, calm and fully present as she sat and enjoyed her guests.  Martha wanted to be like Mary but what compelled her to keep busy was the hook “if she didn’t do the tasks, who would do it?” Are you a Martha or a Mary? The invitation in life is to be both; to get things done while still “being” present to the moment. As a recovering “Martha”, this month, I will share some tricks that help me counteract my tendency to constantly be doing in order to bring balance to my life.

Resignation vs. Acceptance. Pay attention to your feelings before you volunteer or begin a deed. Do you see a need and dive in with sigh because you do not think anyone else will do it? If so, do you end up feeling resentful and angry as well as discouraged and tired? When you are in a state of acceptance, you embrace the task at hand cheerfully, no matter how difficult it is. When you do a task that the Universe invites you to do, you experience a sense of peace, love and joy, even if it is arduous. If instead, your inner voice is screaming “I don’t want to do this but I should do it” or you feel as if you are pushing a square peg into a round hole, you may want to re-evaluate the invitation and decline it.

A word of caution: When there is a crisis you need to be extra vigilant because your boundaries are weaker and there is a tendency to volunteer for even more, precisely when you are least able to do so.

Three Tips to Achieve Balance.

Whether you are in a crisis or just living your daily life, step back and assess your life and the responsibilities at hand. Decide whether accepting a job helps you feel at peace or stressed. When I am feeling stressed but have already committed to an endeavor, I have found the following steps helpful.

Simplify. I try to determine if there is a less elaborate way of achieving the same result. I have a recipe for a signature dessert which is impressive but labor intensive. Recently, we were having guests for dinner and I planned to make it. I had little time and was feeling overwhelmed about getting it prepared. Instead, I made a box of brownies, and served it with ice cream and chocolate sauce. Everyone enjoyed it and I was more relaxed and pleasant.

Delegate. People are usually willing to help out if you ask them. The trick is to ask without attitude. When you feel you are imposing on others or it is “your job”, you tend to ask for help abrasively. If you feel it is acceptable to get help, you are able to ask neutrally and people will generally lend a hand.  After years of marriage, I have finally learned to do what my husband has been saying, “just ask him” and have discovered that he does it!

Remove. Critically examine your “to do” list. Are there activities that can be put off for another day? Can they be permanently taken off of your list? In the Franklin Covey method, Steven Covey states that if you move an activity three times; take it off your list permanently because it is not that important to you. I try to follow his advice and find that generally he is correct.

Would you prefer to be with a curmudgeon who does everything perfectly or a cheerful person who does a little less?  When we are balanced, we are blessings of joy to others. When I am balanced, besides being calmer, I seem to get more done and accomplish it more creatively. Take some time each day and review your “to do” list in order to simplify, delegate or remove some of your extraneous activity.  As you go through your day, notice if you are more pleasant to be around and if you actually accomplish more. This month, I invite you to be more of a “Mary” than a “Martha” and see how you feel.

Reflection Questions:

1. The next time you say yes to a deed, notice if you feel resignation or acceptance.
2. One day this month try the 3 tips to achieve balance in your day.

“One has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself”

Jessye Norman

Does this sound confusing? How can you love someone and not care about what they do? What does this mean?  In AA circles it is called “Detachment with Love”. In Christian circles: “Holy Indifference”, while Buddhism calls it “Non-attachment or Equanimity”. Whatever its name, it is an aloofness to all outcomes, whether involving the self or others. It is a state of calm and balance, in the midst of difficulty; a feeling of compassion, loving kindness, and sympathetic joy for self and others. The human condition makes this indifference easier said than done. When you are frustrated, you will often find yourself having a visceral negative response.  In spite of your intentions to be kind and patient, the mere presence of the person gives you the same reaction as chalk scratching a black board. When this is the case, what can you do? The following are a few suggestions that may help you to accept a person as they choose to be.

Express your point of view. It is natural to want people to understand where you are coming from. In order to do this, you need to be able to have a candid conversation, but you also need to decide to give this conversation limited effort. Sometimes people are interested in your point of view and can be persuaded. You owe it to the relationship to try to get your point across to see if you can find consensus. But before you venture into the conversation, Christine J. Kim suggests that you make the commitment to do the following: Listen well and resist rebuttal as you allow the other to share his point of view. Explain you side. Describe your discomfort, thoughts and ideas. Try to move the discussion toward a common ground. You will know the person is simpatico if you see them nodding their head in agreement or asking questions on ways to execute your suggestions. If you get a blank stare; or lots of “yes, but”; give up.

Practice Detached Attachment even though it can feel irresponsible or unloving. Caring can be egotistical and does not equal love. Your care and concern can actually be unloving because you are attempting to correct another’s way of being. When you have a preconceived notion of how people should act and they fail to behave in that way, you tend to view them as inadequate or wrong. Sometimes your “help” actually keeps others dependent, stuck and feeling incompetent because they come to believe that they cannot do things right or need your assistance to live their life. When my daughter graduated from college and sat in front of the TV “looking for a job”, I was constantly offering her “suggestions” on how to find a job. Naturally, this wisdom fell on deaf ears and created unrest in our household.  She was unconsciously picking up my fear and anxiety and interpreting my “help” as a vote of no confidence.  It was only when I finally allowed her to chart her own path that peace reigned and she got a job.

Love without caring. When someone you love goes down a path that you think is wrong, stay calm. By staying detached, you can allow them a safe place to examine behavior and feelings. If you are agitated over what they are doing, they will need to stay in a defensive posture and protect their position.  As a therapist, I generally am able to provide a nonjudgmental environment which allows my client a safe place to explore their behavior. But in my own relationships, it is more difficult.

It is challenging to stay loving and detached when a person’s behavior directly impacts you, for example, when you are in debt and your spouse sits on the couch instead of looking for a job or if you have a nonchalant friend, who constantly lets you down.  When this is the case, you need to look at the relationship and practice ROI (“on a scale of 1-10 what is the benefit this person will derive from your fulfilling their request and on a scale of 1-10, what will it cost you?” September 2008 tip). In this way, you can calculate if this relationship is worth your energy or if it is time to cut your losses and move on.  When the person is someone you wish to keep in your life, you need to admit that you are powerless to change them and accept them as they choose to be.

A challenging reality in life is that you cannot change what a person is doing, they can only change themselves. When you are constantly cheerleading or coaching you waste your energy, stay stuck and do not focus on your own life.  A visualization that I use when I am in repetitive worry is that I imagine the person or situation as a chapter in a book. I say to myself, “yes this is going on but since I can’t do anything about it, I’ll turn the page and focus on another chapter that is also in my life”. This action helps me to feel calm and concentrate on what I can control.

No matter the consequences or outcome, you can choose to live and let live but most importantly to be happy. Life invites you to release your care about whether a person conforms to your expectation and accept others as they choose to be, trusting that they are figuring out their life in the best way that they can. When you no longer care what others do, they will feel your acceptance and actually blossom. But more importantly when you stop caring what others do, you give yourself the freedom to focus on your own chapter, your own life and live the life that you are meant to live.

“If you judge others you have no time to love them”. Mother Teresa

Are you continuously disappointed in your relationships? Do people seem to leave you or let you down? Do you get taken for granted or used? This month, I invite you take a candid look at your behavior to see why love might be missing for you. If you seem to stay in patterns where love is illusive for you, consider if it might be because of some of the following dynamics:

“Reworking” is a psychological process where you unwittingly choose partners or friends that treat you in a similar manner as your family of origin. The reason you seek out this type of person is because you keep trying to “rework” and change familiar behavior in order to convince your partner (and yourself) that you are worth loving. Unfortunately, it does not work because you will continue to behave in the same maladaptive way that you did as a child. A maxim I use is: “if you keep shopping at the hardware store to buy milk, you will be disappointed since they only sell hammers, sandpaper and nails”. You need to “shop” elsewhere and resist “reworking” as you seek out new types of relationships with positive people.

Is your “Antenna” off? If you grew up in a family where you were abused, disrespected or put down, your “Antenna” may be crooked and you may not recognize mistreatment. Your tendency will be to minimize ill-treatment, believe that you deserve it, blame yourself or deny it exists.  Therefore, if you get in poor relationship it will be harder to reject it and move on to people who care about you.

Growing up I had a friend, “Sandra”, whose mother, an angry alcoholic, constantly screamed at her. We also had a “mean girl” in our class who was popular.  When I was in 6^th grade, she focused her malevolence on me. After less than a month of the mistreatment, I discontinued the “friendship” and found new friends.  “Sandra” was also bullied but continued to be her “friend”. They ended up in the same college and the bullying became so extreme that “Sandra”  did not return to college. At age 12 my “antenna” was already strong enough to fend off abuse because I was blessed to grow up in a family that treated me with dignity and respect.

Do you Sabotage relationships? When you do not really believe that you deserve to be loved, you unconsciously push people away. You may do this because that is the way you were treated as a child or to test how much ill treatment a person will tolerate to prove that they love you. When you finally get abandoned, it becomes further proof that you are unlovable or that people cannot be trusted.  If you have a consistent theme of being rejected by people who say they love you or you never feel loved, see if any of the following behavior applies to you.

Do you tend to be disappointed? Do people continuously let you down? If this is a familiar feeling in your life, you need to question what might be the cause. Are you clear about your wants and needs and present your request in a straightforward manner? Or do you hint or scream when you have reached your boiling point? Could your expectations be too high; do you demand perfection and correct your loved one’s behavior? The reality is that we are ordinary human beings, who will on occasion hurt each other and let each other down. Love allows others to have quirks and imperfections while making accommodations for their limitations. Yet, if the relationship is constantly painful and disappointment is a unique experience, then you might need to shop at a new store, the way I did in 6^th grade. But if you are constantly taking offense and cutting loved ones out of your life, consider if you need to be more flexible and forgiving.

Do you tend to disappoint others? If this is a common complaint that you hear from most loved ones, you will want to scrutinize your behavior. Do you express yourself openly and honestly? Or do you avoid confrontation and “go underground” until the issue has disappeared, you have cooled down or resolved the conflict by yourself? Do you allow loved ones to know your pain, displeasure and challenges?  Are you secretive about your life because you are afraid of rejection? While this behavior may have protected you as a child, and is still a good response with past abusers, secretiveness is maladaptive in a healthy relationship. Keeping your truth hidden build walls, causes confusion, alienates others and eventually destroys intimacy. If you want a healthy, loving relationship you need to be honest and open, even if it is risky or painful.

Is there reciprocity in your relationship? Do you invest in your loved one’s life, including successes and challenges? Are you a priority for each other? Are you available in times of need?  Do you respond to requests in a timely manner and are you clear and prompt when your answer is “no” or are you vague because you do not wish to hurt feelings? Your vagueness will keep your friend dangling, cause frustration and possibly result in rejection as she gets tired of waiting for you.

Love tends to come into your life through happenstance, be it with a close friend or life partner. But whether you go out “shopping” for love or serendipitously find it, take the time to move into new relationships slowly. Consider if it is just physical attraction and infatuation which while exciting is fleeting. Step back and discern if the person has similar values, if you feel safe and respected. You deserve to be loved! The challenge is to choose people who will truly “love you”, who have the capability to support, affirm and help you to grow into your best self. Then it is up to you to take a risk and accept the gift and reciprocate.

“We get best friends by a kind of grafting and growing together, as we learn to trust each other, feel safe with each other, understand each other, and simply expect each other to be there…” Lillian Rubin

Create space. Before you can manifest your dream you need to make room for it. Make the decision to give up activities that you have outgrown or that no longer nurture you. When you are invited to do something that you do not want to do, if you have a choice, consider saying “no”. As you let go of what is no longer true, you will make room for the question, “now what?” The answer is stirring inside of you and if you will create the space for reflection, you will discover the desires that energize you and make you happy.

Recall past passions. You can discover what you are passionate about by recalling activities that made you feel enthusiastic.  Once you remember, notice if there are common themes in each activity. Was it creative? Was it physical? Was it spiritual? Were you with others or alone? Recently, I discovered that being active in nature is a restorative experience for me. Upon reflection, I recalled that as a school age child, I loved to wander alone in the woods. Somehow as I grew up and my life became hectic, I disconnected from an activity that helped me be joyful.  Having recalled this experience, I now carve out time to be active in nature because when I do this, I become ebullient and energized. Recall one of your passions then make a date with yourself to do it.

Allow yourself to dream. A critical step in connecting with your passion is to figure out what it is that you are passionate about.  Often you will not admit your dream because you have been disappointed in the past or ridiculed and may be afraid to dream again. Sometimes you think that your dreams are selfish; especially dreams like having more fun.  It is actually an act of generosity to dream because it makes you more positive and pleasant to be around and it can inspire others to also dream. When I was in college, I had a 20 year old co-worker who went to Greece. She came back so enthusiastic that it became one of my dreams to go there. It took 20 years, but I held on to that dream and did so. Her enthusiasm over her trip to Greece encouraged me to consider that it was possible to have my own adventures.

Actualize your dream. Not all dreams must be huge or designed to save the world.  Have you always wanted to act? Run a marathon? Made a gourmet meal? Your dream matters and is worthy of pursuit in some form. Your first step is to clearly define your dream because vagueness causes chaos and confusion. Remember a dream is simply something that you would like to do. Sharing your dream with someone or writing it down is one step closer to making it real.  If fulfilling a dream scares you, break it down and figure out what parts of the dream you are comfortable doing. You could explore joining a community theater, sign up for a 3k road race, take a cooking class. If your dream seems impossible and overwhelming, begin saying the intention: “I intend to explore the possibility to ….” or “I intend to learn how to ….”  You will find these statements are less threatening, more believable and easier to accomplish.

Identify your fear and doubt because it can make you give up before you begin.  If the doubt is based on a self-defeating belief, choose to focus on empowering belief which is also true. If your fear is based on realistic concerns, write them down and explore some steps that you need to take to overcome the obstacles. Then take some action and create a short term “to do” list that is manageable and non- threatening. Contact some positive people and share your ideas and dreams. Seek out someone who has accomplished your dream and see if she might be able to become your mentor.

The “New” Year is an ideal time to evaluate and reassess your life. What do you dream of doing? What would you try if you could not fail? What makes you feel alive and passionate? The enthusiasm that is stirring inside of you, urging you to follow your dream is God inviting you to life! For 2012, allow yourself to connect with one of your dreams and become enthusiastic.  Nurture the passion that is stirring inside you. Take a risk! What do you have to lose?

Reflection Exercise:

1. Ask yourself “what activity seems to intrigue me?”
2. Write down 1 step that you can take to begin to make it concrete.

“The time for action is now. It is never too late to do something”. Carl Sandburg

Write it down in order to stay focused. I tend to be reactive. When I get an idea or see a person, I am likely to jump in and engage disregarding the more immediate commitments that I already made. My primary challenge is that I tend to put too much on my plate. Do you?  Are you unrealistic about how much time and energy an activity is going to take? Do you omit to factor in preparation time or travel time?  When you write your commitments down in a calendar or on a list, it is easier to stay realistic about the tasks at hand because you see them in black and white. At the beginning of each day, review your calendar or list and prioritize, postpone, or remove the non-essentials on your “to do” list. You will find your day becomes more relaxed and productive.

Let go of the “non-essentials”; the unnecessary activities or people that you have in your life. I often set unrealistic goals concerning what I want to accomplish in a given day. I tend to put way too much on my plate and chug along quite happily until about 3pm. Then I become stressed because I still have 5 more things that I want to get done and not enough time to do them. Do you ever do that? Be more realistic about what you want to do, what you can do and the amount of time that you have to do it.

Calculate ROI (“Return on your Investment”). In order to have a more harmonious holiday be discriminating about who and what you choose to include in to these next few weeks. Decide in advance if a particular action is necessary. Ask yourself: “on a scale of 1-10 what is the benefit this person will derive from my fulfilling their request and on a scale of 1-10, what will it cost me?”  You might determine that a request is very difficult or emotionally costly and decide not to do it. For example, do you have the energy and time to bake cookies from scratch? Could you use refrigerator dough or buy them? How important is it to others? What will it cost you?

Simplify your “to do” list in order to have a more peaceful day. Do you find yourself with a continual list of things you need to do and places you need to be? Try to be more discriminating and ask yourself if a particular activity is really necessary or can it be done in a simpler way or another day. Be realistic about what you want to do, what you can do and the amount of time that you have to do it. Now some tasks have to get done. If you are feeling overwhelmed by a messy desk, house or an unpleasant task, conquer it in small chunks and do it immediately. I like to get up early and work on important tasks because it frees my mind. Another way to another way to make some headway with an ongoing project is to set a timer and work on it for only 30 minutes. When the timer goes off, you are done.

Continually refer back to your list. When you look at the upcoming weeks and see all the commitments that you have made and the things that have to get done, do you begin to feel inundated?  You want to consider that in reality some of these tasks will disappear as life unfolds and that you actually have more time than you realize to accomplish them. In addition, when you do not refer to a written list the activities swirl in your head and each activity is given the same urgency and amount of importance. For example, looking for a new throw pillow will become as important as food shopping when clearly it is not.

Black Friday is over and the holiday tempo is beginning to intensify. This month, I invite you to be the Conductor of your holiday. The curtain will soon be drawn and as with every performance, anticipation and excitement is beginning to build. Before you get up on the podium and conduct your seasonal symphony, decide the measures you will take, in order to create harmony.  Keep the score simple, pay attention to the tempo and you will orchestrate a happier tune as you create a serene refrain that will be enjoyed by everyone.

Life is a symphony… Sometimes, mistakes happen, but you have the conducting baton to correct them, and harmonize them. Anonymous

1. Did the other person ask for help or support?
2. Is there an end point to your help or intervention?
3. Do/did you feel good (“okay”) about your participation?
4. Did he/she do 50% or more of their own work?
5. Did he/she thank you for your help or support?

Let’s break down the questions you just answered to help you discover if your assistance is actually helpful or harmful.

1. Did the other person ask for help or support? Enablers tend to think they know what is best for the other person. What if you don’t?  Maybe the person just wants someone to listen. Instead of reacting and offering solutions, ask: “What do you need?” “What do you think would be most helpful?” “How can I support you?”

2. Is there an end point to your help? We all have challenging life situations, but they usually do have an end point. Some people seem to create one crisis after another due to poor choices. When we continuously bail a person out, it reinforces their poor decision making. Our loved ones need to learn to take responsibly for their own lives. It would be much better to support them in making wiser choices by stepping back and asking: “What are you going to do about it?” or “What solutions have you come up with?”  Then let them proceed without your assistance.

3. Do you feel frustrated or taken for granted when you are “helping”? This is a signal that you have gone too far in your efforts to help. See if you can step back a little bit and maybe be a little “less helpful”.   Again ask yourself: Why am I really doing this? Do I want to? What is it costing me? Am I afraid that my loved one will be angry at me if I stop? Do I feel selfish if I don’t do this little thing?  Is it really necessary or are there some other alternatives?

4. Does he/she do 50% or more of the work? If someone isn’t willing to do at least 50% of the work in their life, why should you do it?” When you enable, you usually end up doing the majority, if not all, of the work. If you are working harder than the person that you are trying to help, you are over-functioning.  Look at their face when you are giving them advice. Are they spacing out?  Are you repeating your words and cheerleading harder. Do you dispense wonderful advice that isn’t followed? If so, then stop talking.

5. Did he/she thank me for my help or support? If the answer is “no” to this question, you need to ask yourself why they didn’t. Maybe the person didn’t see your effort as helpful? This can happen when you assume that you know what the other person needs. Sometimes people interpret unsolicited advice as a “vote of no confidence”. Another reason you might not be appreciated is because you have rescued that person so many times that they take you for granted.

You might be comfortable in your role as an enabler and wondering why you should stop being so “helpful”. It is because enabling is not healthy for you, but more importantly it is not good for your loved one.  In order to discontinue the dance of enabling, you might wish to try some of the following suggestions:

Become conscious of your intentions when you are tempted to jump in and be a caretaker. Ask yourself why are you jumping in? Is it a habit? Do I feel selfish? Do I feel guilty if I do not help? Why else?

Set clear boundaries beforehand about the amount of time or effort that you are willing to spend on the situation. I once had a friend who could suck me into listening to her drama for hours, even an entire day; she was that good. The way I finally set limits was that I would make sure I had another commitment scheduled a few hours after we were to meet which would force me to end the time we were together.

Stop offering assistance immediately. It is better to promise nothing at the moment, and later if you have the time and energy, do something helpful.  Because I tend to jump in immediately and offer assistance, I am fostering the habit of saying, “let me think about it and get back to you”. When I get distance, I can be more realistic about whether I have the where with all to help or if it is even appropriate.  In a crisis laden moment, you might promise things that you later regret. If that is the case, it is perfectly fine to go back to the person and renege. I will say, “In thinking about it, I realize that I let my ‘heart’ speak and it is not realistic for me to do help at this time.”

Don’t give advice unless it is asked. When a person talks about a problem you often get confused and think that they are asking for advice when in reality, they are venting. I find it helpful to ask them, “Are you asking for my opinion?”  Generally, the answer is “no”. If the answer is “yes”, try to give them a few options and then be quiet.  Take a deep breath and listen. You really do not have to fix it!!! If they disregard your options ask: “What is it you think you need to do?” Or what would be most helpful to do now?” If they reply, “I don’t know!” Remind them of a previous success they have had in their life and that they are capable and will come up with the right solution for them.

Are you tired of dancing backwards? Have your toes been stepped on enough? Well do a “reverse turn”! The first step will be awareness that you habitually dance the “locked in” step, then honesty about your motivation for continuing to only do “the box step” and finally courage to end the “Dos-à-dos”, create new dance steps and choreograph a new dance routine in your life.

Blog Reflection Questions:

1.    What is the hook that keeps you “helping”?

2.    What is one new dance step that you will try this month?

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, backwards and on high heels.

–Source unknown

In the May 2011 tip, I asked you if “You were Giving More and Enjoying it Less?” The response from readers was so great that I created a program, “Stop the World I Want to Get Off”! It is now being booked in the Tri State area but for those of you who are unable to hear this presentation, I have decided to share some excerpts in the October tip.

Are you an “enabler”? Ask yourself these questions, answering true or false, and be honest if some of them describe you.

1. I anticipate the needs of others and jump in to help without waiting to be asked.
2. I am often exhausted and have forgotten how to relax.
3. I’ve put my own dreams on hold so my loved ones, especially my children, can be happy.
4. I volunteer to do things because I can effortlessly do them the right way.
5. I often do things because I don’t know who else will do them.
6. I juggle lots of balls so things will go smoothly for everyone.
7. I sometimes feel resentful that everyone but me seems to get what they want.
8. I get sad because people don’t recognize or appreciate how much I do.
9. I feel selfish and guilty saying “no”.

If you answered true to some of these questions, while your intentions may be good, you might be enabling. At some point, your efforts or endeavors may have been appropriate or necessary. But life changes: children grow up and we get older, yet often we stay set in the same dynamics that have now become unhealthy for everyone.

Nurturing vs Enabling.

Nurturing is good and can be appropriate, for example, in taking care of a child or helping an aged/handicapped person. This also might apply to someone in temporary crisis.  It is a fine idea to nurture and care for them for a specific period of time because they cannot take care of themselves. The danger arises when we shift to enabling; when we move from appropriate and healthy caretaking to inappropriate and unnecessary assistance.

It becomes enabling when:

1. The person is capable of doing it themselves and you are “too helpful”. This could be because the job is not done to your standards so you jump in “to help”.

1. It is the other person’s responsibility- homework is a perfect example. You want your child to do well in school and get good grades, so you “over see” their work and it ends up becoming “your school work”  Or you pay off a loved one’s debt and a few months later they are back in debt.

1. The person is not interested in your help and advice. As hard as it is to believe, sometimes people do not want to change or do something positive for themselves. To overcome their inertia, we cheerlead and work very hard to try to convince them. It is exhausting for us and futile. I have learned to watch people’s faces and if they glaze over in disinterest when I share my advice, I try to stop talking.

1. When it fosters dependency and makes the person feel inadequate. You might initially be helping for wonderful reasons but when you continue to help inappropriately a subtle shift will take place. The person will often stop trying, feel inadequate, and unconsciously think that they cannot do the job without you.

Who I carry? Try this exercise:

Put on your “detective hat” and without judging yourself or the other person be curious as you write a list of the people that you “help out”.

Circle the primary person and think about why you do so as you answer the questions below.

1. Did the other person ask for help or support?
2. Is there an end point to my help or intervention?
3. Do/did I feel good (“okay”) about my participation?
4. Did he/she do 50% or more of their own work?
5. Did he/she thank me for my help or support?

Blog Question:

1. 1. Write 3 fears about what would happen if you stopped “helping”.
2. 2. What is one boundary you will set with your primary person  this month?

We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore. Melody Beattie Co-Dependent No More

Having Shed the Old, I am Free to Fly....

This summer, the Universe invited me to “shed my old skin” and move gracefully into the next chapter of my life.  After 25 years, my husband and I decided to sell our home and move into a condo.  This necessitated letting go of the familiar and embracing the new. During this summer’s journey, the Universe invited me to concentrate on: Gratitude, Going with the Flow and Finding Joy in the Moment.

Gratitude – As I packed my house and packed my memories, I was able to be grateful for the gift of parenthood and my children, who are now launched and successful. I was grateful for my home, my neighbors, and the wonderful community that I have had in this town.

I also became grateful for the abundance in my life in terms of the material possessions that I have.  Since we no longer needed much of our furniture, I discovered a wonderful organization called the Resettlement Program, started in 1875 “to assist offenders in preparing for and accomplishing a successful return to the community.”  Everything I gave them was graciously accepted, including all those unwanted pictures, vases and mugs.  As the director said to me, “When all you have are the clothes on your back, you need everything to set up an apartment.”  After meeting with her, I became even more grateful for all I possess, including the 20 mugs.

The day the director came to pick up the furniture, she brought with her three young men from the inner city. They stood in awe, looked at my house and marveled at the grass and the woods. I felt humbled because I own what is considered in my town a nice, but basic home.  While looking through their eyes, I was able to see the beautiful home that I have been blessed to live in the past 25 years and I became more grateful.

Go with the Flow – Have you ever noticed that when you are introduced to anything new you feel some tension? This is because of a phenomenon described by Kurt Lewin as “Tension” theory. He stated that there is constant inner tension when beginning anything new until it is mastered. During this move, I had to replace many familiar patterns with new ones.  I had to figure out a new route to work, where I put the dishes and utensils in the kitchen, where town hall and the local library are located, and even where to sit in order to relax! All this new and unfamiliar information created a buildup of tension that made it challenging to relax. I had to constantly remind myself to take a deep breath, continue to maintain habits that were still familiar and to  replace judgment of the “new” with the chant “this way isn’t bad, it is just different.”

Enjoy the Moment – Moving is challenging and even more so when one is sorting through 25 years of possessions.  I made the determination to enjoy the experience and have fun doing it.  Since we had the luxury of time, I started packing up the house weeks before the move and unpacking in the condo at a more leisurely rate.  I was determined to have fun doing this.

Most days, I would either bring my breakfast or lunch to the condo and sit on my new porch and eat while I watched the birds in the nearby woods. The other thing I did was to listen to my body.  Whenever I felt exhausted, I would stop working for the day or take a break, go to the pool and relax for a while.  This is counter to my philosophy which is “work then play” but what I discovered was that I could return to the “work” refreshed and it became play. To add a fun mood, I burned an upbeat CD mix and would blast it as I unpacked. I also would save a “chore” that made me happy to complete at the end of my time there. The result was that the entire experience was relatively easy and fun.

I am now living in my condo. While “tension” theory still exists as I adjust to the newness, I have shed some skin and am embracing my new life. This summer has helped me to balance work with play in such a way that work is fun.  It has also helped me to develop a stronger sense of humor as I learn the rules of condo living. I have already gotten a speeding ticket and have been reprimanded for diving in the pool.  My hope is that I will continue this New Perspective and gracefully move into the next chapter of my life.

The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come…We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

How do you see your glass?

Is your glass half empty or half full? Both perspectives are true; it just depends on how  you  choose to look at it. Whether you are an optimist or a pessimist depends on your thought patterns and has a huge impact on your outlook and success in life. An optimist has hopefulness and confidence about the future and a belief in a successful outcome.      Their conversations focus on gratitude, positive plans and how things can only get better. Pessimists are more likely to become depressed when bad events occur; they generally do worse at school, sports, and most jobs; they have poorer physical health and rockier relationships.  The pessimist perceives life negatively and worries about all the things that might go wrong or what might be taken away from them by some cruel twist of fate.

A major influence on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist is your “explanatory” style in life; the way you interpret or explain events in your life as either positive or negative. Psychologists have identified three factors in explanatory style:

Personal – This involves how you explain the cause of an event.  Pessimists tend to blame themselves for negative events and believe that such events will continue indefinitely and affect many aspects of their lives. Example: “I always forget to make that turn” (internal) as opposed to “That turn can sure sneak up on you” (external).

Permanent -This involves how you explain the extent of the cause. Pessimist view a situation as unchangeable, rather than simply a setback or a onetime occurrence   e.g., “I always lose my keys”.

Pervasive – This involves how you explain the extent of the effects. Pessimist see a situation as affecting all aspects of life, e.g., “I can’t do anything right” or “Everything I touch seems to turn to gold”. In this case, the impact of the event increases over time and the person will obsess about the event and increase a negative outlook.

Learn to become an Optimist! If you are a pessimist, first recognize it and admit it is ineffective behavior. You want to eliminate rumination, those recurring, brooding thoughts that stay stuck in your mind. To become more optimistic, you will want to compartmentalize the problem by giving it a specific amount of time and energy and then re-focus your thoughts. An easy way to become an optimist is to take conscious steps to eliminate your negativity by replacing it with the positive strategies below:

1. Stop your Thoughts. When you find yourself ruminating, envision a red STOP sign and simply say the word “STOP”. Take 3 slow deep breaths and re-focus your attention back to the present moment. You could focus on a bird singing, the dinner that you are making, or the license plate on the car in front of you. Your mind can only center on one thing at a time. When you consciously focus on the present moment, you are able to banish the negative thought.

2. Tap your strengths. Make a list of activities, behavior and tactics that you already use that keep you positive. When you find yourself moving toward pessimism, take out your list and do one of your activities. Is there is a hobby that relaxes you? Is there a person who brings you joy? If so, try to get to it as soon as possible. When I wake up in a funk, I deliberately wear a fun outfit because it makes me happy and shifts my mood.

3. Move. Your body’s movement is its natural way of transferring energy. Although it is the last thing you may feel like doing, even the slightest movement will help shift your mood. Start by making small, simple movements such as swinging your arms or moving your torso. The difference can be felt immediately. You can also get outside and breathe, go for a walk, or do some vigorous exercise.

4. Develop an “Oasis”. Create a “space”, whether it is physical or in your imagination, where you can go and relax. I have a “prayer” corner in my kitchen. In has a rocking chair surrounded by windows that look out into my backyard. It is my positive place where I sit and rejuvenate. I sit in this spot most mornings and eat breakfast and try to go there whenever I am stressed.

Is your glass half empty or half full? The choice is up to you. Make the decision to take control of the way you look at life! A first step is simply to notice your negative feelings or thoughts without judgment then focus your attention on something equally true and positive. Learn to dwell on the pleasant regularly and use your imagination to rehearse success. Add positive, productive actions to your optimism and see the affirmative response from the Universe.  Expect the best out of life and I am positive you too can become an Optimist.

Reflection Questions:

1.     Where can you create an “oasis”?

2.     Name 3 activities that make you happy.

Author’s note: As is my practice, I will be taking the summer off to STOP my hectic lifestyle, TAP INTO MY STRENGTHS and MOVE in order to be renewed and refreshed for you in September.  Have a great summer!