My answer arrived late April! One Friday, I went to a Social Work Conference and attended a workshop by Penny Cohen. She reminded me what I have been preaching for years: When you are in an expansive state of being, life becomes more joyful, you become inspired and it is easier to express compassion and love. In talking privately with Penny, she surmised that I needed to “find my passion and purpose”. She thought it sounded as if I was being invited to step back and “play”.

In case I failed to get the message, the Universe provided me with a similar memo the next day. Earlier that week, I discovered that Paula D’Arcy, one of the most inspirational women that I have ever read, was presenting a weekend retreat. I spontaneously signed up for it. As I left Penny’s workshop, I drove directly to the Retreat Center and hours later sat before Paula.  After listening to Paula’s conferences, talking to her privately and writing for hours, I finally caught on that it is time for me to step back from the “Journey Back to Self” program. I created intentions and developed guidelines on how to find my purpose because this is the way that I process in order to follow through.  The guidelines that I created for myself is the May tip. It is my hope that they will inspire and empower you.

Be Present in the Moment – The only thing we have is the now. You want to give complete attention to whom or what is before you each moment; consciously stop, look and listen. My helpful mantra is the invitation to “Waste time”. Ever the efficient woman, historically I have judged stopping to chat or take time to be present as non-productive and a waste of time.

Let Go of Details – This goes hand in hand with staying present. Some things need to be planned such as your weekly schedule, or the food that you will buy for meals, but try to spend less time obsessing about it. Make the effort to improvise and trust that the information on what to do next will come as you need it. Try to avoid wasting energy thinking about a contingency that may never occur. “Go with the Flow” is this mantra I will use.

Meditation helps you to hear Spirit’s inspiration and invitation.  This is hard for me because I have a very cognitive mind that is constantly racing. I have decided to return to one of my “Journey” suggestions: Just show up daily and meditate for 10 minutes. If you have an undisciplined mind like me, set a timer and say a mantra to keep focused. “Be Still (and Know that I am God)”

Laugh and Play whenever possible! Examine your activities and remove anything that is unnecessary or depleting.  I have a sign in my office that says: “If it is not fun, why do it?” What if that became your motto too? What can you begin to do that is fun?

Embrace life fully – I am getting older and life no longer seems limitless. No matter what your age, make a conscious decision on how you want to spend your time. For most of my life, I have had a desire to travel. For a brief time, I honored this passion with my daughter, but once she traded me in for her husband, it has been neglected. After a discussion with my husband, he encouraged me to fulfill my desire. He will join me in some adventures and others I will do solo.  We made a bucket list of cities and places to see and are alert to travel deals on line. In the meantime, the travel will begin this month with a weekend “playing” in NYC with a daughter, a play date with my “soul sister” in Florida and a trip to Peru. Are you neglecting your heart’s desire?

Since I am a “summer girl”, I will also be following passions that are free. I will be biking, walking, hiking and soon swimming and kayaking. In all of these activities, I want to be “present” to the moment in nature. I find carrying a camera is one way that helps me focus. “Stop and look” is this mantra. How can you embrace life more fully this summer?

In the next few months, my story will be unfolding. I do not know how it will end nor do I need to know.  All I do know is that I will continue to see clients and will let whimsy dictate the rest.  I might be back writing tips in September. I might have finally finished the book that I have been writing. I might create a new program.  I might stay in Machu Picchu, the sacred mountain in Peru (probably not).  In any event, I will let you know.

May my journey and this tip inspire you to do what you need to do in order to find and follow your passion and purpose. If you are desperate to read a tip, just go to the archives on the side of the tip page and ask Spirit to have you select the tip that you need to read. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

                                           Namaste, “The Spirit in me bows to the Spirit in you.

     One of my deepest desires is to be a Blessing to others. It is no wonder that the Peace Prayer by St. Francis of Assisi is the blueprint for my life.

 Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy

   Why would you want to be a blessing in life? Here are three good reasons. You can generate more love and peace in your world. You can create good Karma that will come back to you. And a more selfish reason is that a small act of blessing will make you feel better. This month, I want to use the peace prayer to teach you how to become a blessing to others.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Look at your life, your family, your job. Are there relationships or situations where you find yourself perpetually angry and resentful?  It is easy to lose your cool when you are treated unfairly or thwarted. While anger can sometimes be a motivator to affect change, you want to avoid the toxicity of anger and resentment because it disturbs your inner peace. If you find yourself in a situation where you are constantly angry, share your feelings and perceptions with the culprit rather than spew blame. Objectively listen to what they have to say to see if there is validity. If you continue to be at an impasse, step back physically and emotionally and gently send them blessings of peace.

Where there is injury, pardon.  The human condition is such that you hurt and disappoint others despite your best intentions or overreact by sending out the militia when a negotiator would have suffice. Once you become aware that you have crossed a line and injured someone, go back to the person and apologize.  In addition, if you have said something negative about another person, go back to the person that you told and admit that you were out of line as you apologize. This is hard to do but once again, if your aim in life is to be a blessing, you do not want to slime people with negativity about someone else. A motto I follow is that if it is not edifying, zip the lip.

Where there is doubt, faith. This includes faith in God, faith in others (trust), and faith in self. To be a blessing in this way, try to be “God with Skin” and help others see a loving image of God, as opposed to a critical, judgmental God. Commit to being dependable and consistent when you are with “abused” people so that they can learn to have a sense of trust in others. Finally, point out an individual’s strengths and gifts to help them begin to have faith in themselves.

Where there is despair, hope.  To be a blessing of hope, encourage others to focus on what is equally good in their life as opposed to worrying about the future or staying stuck in a past of guilt and shame. A loving God does not make you feel small and dirty over prior behavior but encourages a positive change in your behavior. In addition, become aware of people who are alone or disenfranchised, the people you know who are in pain. Look them in the eye and listen; figuratively or literally put an arm around them. Become a blessing as you let them know that you are there for them. Give a hug. Write a letter. Make a phone call. Send a text. Drop in for a visit.

Where there is darkness, light. This intention intersects well with the one above it.  How can you be a light?  Consciously choose to be a blessing. Before you enter a situation, make the intention to be a “blessing” and spread kindness to everyone you meet. Smile at a stranger. Give a compliment to a waiter, a store clerk, a person who helps you on the phone. Whenever I food shop, I make the intention to scatter joyful blessings to those people I see; the store employees, the other shoppers, but most importantly, the handicapped and the poor who also shop at my market.

Where there is sadness, joy. Infuse laughter in life. Become a “joy germ”, spread joy and infect everyone around you. Point out the beauty in the moment. Note the absurdity of a situation and laugh about it. See life as a sitcom and you the star as you share your humorous story with others. Take yourself less seriously. Belly laugh in public and watch how people smile. Crack a joke. Send a funny email to your friends. Recently, I created a Pinterest account that I entitled “BeHappy” in order to become a blessing in cyberspace. What could you do?

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Make the decision today to be a blessing to others and become an “instrument of peace”. In order to do this, you must first fill your spirit with peace and joy. It is like the airline dictate that says “put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on someone else”. Unless you are filled with joy, you will not have enough happiness to share with others and will burn out. To truly be an instrument of peace you need to be rooted in peace and joy by doing things that make you happy. Then your joy will be contagious, effortlessly overflow and you will truly be a blessing to the world.

Authors note: This article was written on the day that a new Pope was elected. Imagine my surprise when he chose the name Francis after St. Francis of Assisi. Perhaps, he too hopes to be an instrument of peace. 

1.      Make a List. The first thing you want to do is name the habit that you wish to change and assess what the conduct costs you.  On a piece of paper, write an inventory of your bad habits and choose one habit that prevents you from feeling empowered and in control of your life. Identify thoughts, feelings, and people that cause stress and might trigger your unwanted behavior.  List the benefits and reasons that you have decided to remove the old habit, include the way that it affects your life and relationships. Is it a major focus in your thoughts? Does it make it hard to concentrate or be available to others? Is it affecting your health? Has your habit turned you into someone you do not want to be? Has it turned off your friends? Once you have written this list; refer to it often.

2.      Find a Replacement. A simple way to break an old habit is to establish a new one. Decide on a new pleasing alternative or distraction to motivate you to replace the old behavior. There is a saying, “Old habits Die hard”. Recognize that familiarity may undermine you. Learn to say a compassionate “no” to that old habit when it entices you and quickly focus on the new custom that you find satisfying and enjoyable. Choose a replacement that will fill your life with people and activities that please you. Once you find a replacement that distracts or makes you happy, do it often in order to nourish yourself. You will find the old routine easier to resist.

3.      Silence Negative Self talk. Pay attention to the negative chorus within because judgment is a show stopper. When you focus on your setbacks, you become discouraged and it can defeat you. Acceptance is the fastest way to make change. Note the setback and let it go. Talk gently to yourself as you acknowledge your imperfection or the mistake; explore the reason then move on to the present and continue your new behavior.  Focus on what you have control of now and the substitutes that you have decided to use. When you experiment with new ways of behaving you will find a synergistic loop occurs; the more you feel good about your new behavior, the more you want to feel good and the more you will continue to do the new habit.

4.      Choose When You Will Change. While it is rarely convenient to change a habit –work is stressful, the kids are demanding, it’s the holidays — determine if you are just making excuses. A new habit will have better chance of being successfully established when you implement change during a relatively peaceful time.  But let’s face it, “Life can get in the way” and we cannot always have low stress. In my case, I find it more effective to make the decision to alter my behavior and just do it.  For other people planned baby steps work better. Whatever pace or strategy works best for you, once you decide to remove a habit, write a contract with yourself, describe the habit you intend to change, include the start date for the change and make it non-negotiable.

5.      Track Your Progress. Each day review in a journal or in your head the progress that you have made. Reflect on your thoughts and behavior. Did you think about the old habit?  If so, when and why? Did you slip? If so, what was the trigger? I tend to revert to an old habit when I am bored or in a bad mood. I call it “picking a scab”.  As soon as I recognize that I have slipped into an undesirable habit, I silence judgment and focus on the new, preplanned distraction. By keeping tabs on your actions, you can be alert to the triggers that encourage the unwanted habit and head it off before it begins. Letting others know that you have decided to change might also be helpful as a way to stay on track. When I decided to give up cursing, I let everyone know that I would no longer have a “potty” mouth. I would actually self correct in the middle of a conversation.  But if you are private person it is fine to keep your evolution to yourself.

Remove a bad habit this month! If you are you tired of continuing the same non-productive behavior, make the decision today to change.  Identify the habit that is getting in your way, select a substitute to replace it and begin to using the new healthy behavior. You deserve to grow more fully into the person you are meant to be. Once you remove a bad habit from your life and replace it with something healthy, you will notice that you have more time and energy to live the life you desire.

Reflection question:

What bad habit do you want to eliminate?

Write down substitutes that you can use to replace it.

Are you often at cross purpose with those you love?  Do you feel frustrated because no one seems to hear you? When a couple enters counseling feeling this way, I generally find that they are using non-productive techniques to communicate with each other. While they care about each other, they feel misunderstood, frustrated or unloved. When having a disagreement, they often have lost sight of the issue at hand, fall into a win/lose pattern and bicker just to “win” an argument. One of my key objectives in couple’s counseling is to teach clients to “hear” each other. In order to do this, I coach them on new ways to communicate. It is only when they can understand what each other is saying that they can compromise and get what they want.

Whether you are in a romantic relationship or single, this month I will present 5 tips that will help you communicate better. These ideas are universal. While they are especially helpful in an intimate relationship, because love creates greater intensity, they are useful with your friends, coworkers and everyone else.

Do speak up if something is important to you. People are not mind readers. When you hint or make vague requests, people usually do not have a clue what you are asking. You need to be precise. Let others know specifically what you want rather than expect people to anticipate your needs or do things that you desire but have not requested. When you feel timid about making a request, ask yourself, “What do I have to lose”?  It is true that they might say no and you will not get what you want but the irony is that if you do not speak up, chances are greater that you will not attain your desire.

Strike when the iron is cold. If your goal is to make changes then the best time to discuss a controversy is when you are both calm. The least productive time to speak up is when you are feeling angry or intense. If you find your feelings escalate during a discussion, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a “time out” to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Seeking temporary distance is not the same as a cold withdrawal because you intend to come back and resolve the issue. After numerous heated fights that went into the evening, my husband and I learned to declare a truce at bedtime. Although the situation would still be unresolved and tense, we would give each other a kiss and agree to talk about it the next day. Not only did it help us get a good night’s sleep, the space helped us address the problem more rationally.

Take time to think about the problem and clarify your position before you speak. Some questions to ponder: “What is the real issue?” Sometimes it is not the situation at hand that is disturbing but rather it is a re-enactment of a childhood issue. What do I want? Often times we have been taught to minimize or dismiss our desires. When you are honest with yourself about what it is you want, you will have a better chance of asking for it. What will it cost me? I used to be very impulsive and my compassionate heart had me saying yes before I had weighed the consequences. As a result, I was often overextended, burnt out and resentful. Now I try to take some time and say, “Let me think about it and get back to you”.  This helps me to determine if the request is realistic and feasible.

Avoid below the belt tactic. When you feel as if you are losing ground, it is easy to go on the defensive and attack. Such verbal tactics include blaming, name calling, ridiculing and lecturing. When arguing, stick to the issue and speak to the person with dignity and respect. Just as you are entitled to your own thoughts and feelings so is your challenger.

Speak in “I” language rather than pointing a finger or using intellectual arguments to validate your stance. Learn to say “I think… I feel… I want… I fear…”  A true “I” statement says something about your stance or opinion without criticizing, minimizing or blaming the other person. A note of caution: watch out for disguised “you’ statement, for example, “I think” that you are self-centered; this is really subtle name calling that says “you are self-centered”.

It is important to be honest with yourself and communicate properly in order to get what you want. While it is easy to defer to another or be sympathetic when you are on the same page, the challenge begins when you do not see eye to eye. After a few attempts at enlightenment, rather than brow beat another to accept your position, acknowledge the impasse and change the subject. Our loved ones are entitled to have different political opinions or favored sports teams. Unless the issue is a deal breaker, learn to live with the incongruity.

February is the month of “love”. Make the decision to communicate better with someone you love, whether it is your partner, child or friend. Implement one of the five tips and give the gift of better communication to someone who you care about. Do you hear me?

Reflection Exercise:

Practice one communication tip this month. Let me know how you do.

Release your Oppressor. The primary oppressor in my life is a long “to do” list and the phrase “I should”. Even though some of the things on the list may be enjoyable, the extent of the task or the time necessary to complete it sometimes robs me of peace. Does this happen to you? By becoming discriminating about tasks at hand, you can see if the activity causes you more stress than benefit (ROI see Sept tip 08) then decide whether to postpone it, delegate it or let it go.  When you stay more aware of the moment, the opportunity to complete the task often presents itself at a more convenient time and then becomes more enjoyable.  Releasing your oppressive “to do’ list helps free you up and create more time to renew your spirit.

Respite From a Racing Mind. Are you a person who is always 3 steps ahead in your thought process? While this ability can help you to be efficient, it also prevents you from slowing down and relaxing. To counteract this “blessing”, it helps to write down the idea on paper because it will get it out of your head. You might also want to decide upon a tentative time when you will execute the idea. Do you seem to spend more time solving someone else’s problem then they do themselves? If this is the case, step back and practice self talk; say “I will allow the person to take responsibility for their own acts and life”.

Reframe your words and attitude toward people and events and your attitude will become more positive. Remind yourself that people are doing the best that they can do. Try to avoid judging but if something is out of kilter, acknowledge it and say the least negative thing about the situation that is still true. In addition, rather than harbor a negative feeling that will taint your disposition, allow yourself some time to feel your feelings then choose to think about something else that is positive. You deserve to have a mood of peace, love and benevolence. Reframing is a habit that will enable you to free up your attention to focus on things that make you happy.

Refrain from spreading doom and gloom. If the statement is not positive, does it really need to be said? Of what benefit is it to point out to someone else an irrelevant negative observation? Recently, I went away with friends and had a delightful time. At the end of the weekend, one woman pointed out the glitches that occurred; I found myself reevaluating the pleasant experience. The next morning, another friend shared all the positives in the weekend; I found myself refocusing on what was equally true and once again became delighted. In pointing out the negative, my first friend unwittingly tarnished my experience. The third “R” is that if the words you speak are not edifying or uplifting, refrain from speaking them. When you avoid sharing inconsequential negative comments, you will notice that you share more positive observations because otherwise you will have nothing to say.

Relax and Breathe .When all else fails and your mind continues to race or you stay stuck in a rut of negativity, STOP and take a few deep breaths. Physiologically, breath work slows you down and relaxes because you secrete endorphins that decrease stress or arousal. While you are exhaling, look around and focus on one beautiful sight around you. As you slow down, pay attention; allow the image to go inside of you. Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time. When you attend to the beauty in your surroundings, your brain can no longer deliberate on the mental gymnastics or negativity in your head. A side benefit is when you go to sleep that night, you can return to the positive observation and your body will further relax as it recalls it.

“Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw the mud, the other saw the stars” wrote Frederick Langbridge. What do you see when you look around? Two people can look at one event and come up with a different perspective about what is occurring. Life is beautiful if you allow yourself to stop and see its splendor. Your invitation this month is to practice these five “R’s, release negative habits, immerse yourself in the charm of each the moment, and be renewed. Make the decision to gaze at the stars because they are as true as the mud on the ground.

Reflection Question: Which  “R”  would you like to practice this month?

I wrote this month’s article to motivate myself as well as you. It turns out, last month’s bike accident was more serious then I originally thought; I fractured some ribs. The upshot is that it will take about 2 months to heal. The consequences: limited exercise, difficulty sleeping, muscle spasms and no hugs.  In addition, December is usually a challenging month for me because the lack of light causes a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder; a kind of depression that occurs, in the winter. Finally, to challenge me even more, most of my family lives in New York and were stranded with no power or gasoline for over a week. To say that I was not my most positive self the past few weeks is an understatement. In fact, my patience level was so low that I actually leaned on the horn a few times when driving.

If “darkness” was my reality, I needed to figure out what I could do to make it brighter. How could I light a candle? I found the following strategies helpful:

 Stay in the Moment and immerse yourself completely in it. In one of his songs, Jason Mraz sings, “I will not waste my days making up all kinds of ways to worry about some things that will not happen to me.” We often worry about things that will never happen. Yet even when situations are worse than we could ever have imagined and we find that we are given the grace to go through it. The only information that you have is at hand. By focusing on the moment, you quiet the unnecessary rumination, the “what if’s” that take place inside and become better able to respond rather than react to that which is before you.

Accept life the way it is and focus on what you do have control over rather than resist what is going on in the moment. Resilient people focus the majority of their attention and time on what they have control over. The questions to explore are, “How can I best respond to this situation?” “How can I make my situation more tolerable?” The reality is that I have fractured ribs. While I can’t do much exercise, I can take long walks. My family was stranded in NY without power. I could not go pick them up but I could contact other people who were in the position to get them to CT in order to stay with me.

Focus on what is equally true and count your blessings. My injury is temporary. I have clients who live with constant chronic pain. My injury gives me much more compassion for them and helps me realize that sometimes cheerfulness is easier said than done. The lack of power was temporary and SAD is a transitory condition that I get through come mid January. What is also true is that I have a great fireplace that warms up my house and my spirits.

Take time for yourself and lean toward joy. Take a step back from the stress and do something that nurtures you; it will help you to be a blessing for others. Studies have shown that happy people have more energy to be of service to others.  Even when you are in a trying situation, there are usually little things that you can do calm yourself down. Take time to become more aware of nature, listen to relaxing music, and wear soft, comfortable clothes. In doing so, you l change the chemistry in your brain, you become calmer, expand your heart and increase your ability to nurture yourself and others.

Light a Candle for Others. During storm Sandy, I was impressed by the generosity of those I knew as well as stories in the newspaper. My cousin drove to LI to rescue my father and meet me half way, even though he had very little gas. Friends drove into NYC at night to evacuate my daughter because there were no subways or trains running. She then went and stayed with her sister for the rest of the week. Hotels offered lobbies. Even the Pittsburg Steelers elected to fly in on Game Day so that the displaced could stay in their hotel rooms! Random acts of kindness and an opportunity to be a light for others.

Adversity is a fact of life. We can stay cranky and curse the darkness or light a candle for ourselves and others.  Yes, I am still in pain and the darkness outside is increasing. What can I do to bring joy to this moment? First of all, I allow myself to feel discouraged and miserable from time to time, and then I focus on what is also true. I look around and notice what is positive. I wear colorful clothes because they make me happy. I smile even though I want to rip people’s heads off. I take deep breaths and send my impatience away. I apologize to people because I am cranky and ask them not to take my irritation personally. I listen to happy music and I do things that fill me with joy and above all I tell myself “this too shall pass”.

Our role in life is to bring the light of our own souls to the dim places around us.    Joan Chittister

Although I was shaken, I was in mild pain and decided to continue on to the farm stand.  As I rode, I pondered what had occurred. If we use the bike ride as a metaphor for life, three things transpired to cause me to become “off balanced”. I felt pressured for time and was rushing. I was preoccupied about the things I had to accomplish before I went to the office. I was multitasking as I took both my hands off the handle bar while riding fast in order to put my gloves on. One of my strongest desires in life is to be “balanced” and I often write about it; I even use the bicycle as a symbol for balance. Clearly I was off balance that morning and I have decided to use this mishap as the inspiration for this month’s tip.

Let’s examine the three components that created the synergy for this perfect storm:

 1.   Pressured for time – I was being unrealistic about how much time it would take me to ride to the farm stand, come home do tasks and get ready for work. Because I was determine to do it all, I ignored reality and decided not only to ride but to go the extra mile to the farm stand. How often do you find yourself stressed and pressured for time because you are being unrealistic about all that you can achieve? When you are under stress, your boundaries weaken and you often become more unbalanced by taking even more on. If this is the case, the antidote is to take a deep breath and stop and become realistic about time constraints.  Then look at your to do list and prioritize, simplify, delegate or remove some of the items on your agenda.

2.   Preoccupied- I was engrossed in all that I had to do when I got home that my mind was racing about ways to accomplish it. As a result, I was not thinking about what I was actually doing; racing a bike at a fast speed. How often has this happened to you? Have you ever driven a car and realized that you already passed a particular landmark and do not remember seeing it?  Or have you ever been “listening” to a friend and you have no idea what they really said?  When this is the case, the antidote to preoccupation is to consciously let go of distractions, still your mind and decide to pay attention to what is going on at that moment.  Recently, I began to play the piano again after a long hiatus. In order to play, I have to give my full attention to the notes and my hand position or I will make a mistake. This discipline is helping me stay fully in the moment. Are there any activities you can rekindle or begin that help you to practice staying focused in present?

 3.   Multitasking ­– In order to put gloves on, I could not have any hands on the bike. I was so focused on being efficient and rushing that I was doing two mutually exclusive things at once and did not think of the absurdity of this behavior. When you find yourself multitasking, the antidote is to slow down and concentrate on the task at hand. Not only will you find that you are more relaxed and more productive,  you will be more aware if a “fencepost”  gets in your way

It has been three weeks since I lost my “balance” on my bike. I ended up dislocating a number of ribs and am in physical therapy. I have not been able to ride my bike or do any exercise since the accident. In addition, when I finally arrived at the farm stand that morning, it was closed! But ever the optimist, I chuckle as I look at the lesson that I learned. I realized that on that October morning, I was not practicing all that I preach. To put it simply, I was reminded that in order to stay balanced, I need to stay focused in the moment.

Reflection:

Name the factors that keep you “off balance”?

Keep your mind on your driving. Keep you hands on the wheel.”  (Lyrics “Seven Little Girls Sitting in the Back Seat”)

It’s OK to Be Different

Have you ever been judged? Have you ever been made to feel “odd” or “different”? We all have unique personality traits which go against the norm. Because of these differences, we are sometimes judged and made to feel odd or that there is something wrong with us. Because we live by set of rules and expectations, we in turn judge others by our standards. Our invitation in life is to be authentic and to operate under values that are true for us and allow others to do the same. This genuineness might make us unpopular and misunderstood but it will liberate us to be the person we were created to be. In order to be authentic, we need to understand and accept our distinctive personality style and feelings. We need to have the courage to believe that it is “OK to Be Different”.

As children, we have learned to survive by being conventional; most of us gave up our right to be who we are in order to accommodate those around us.  We ceased to be authentic because of a desire to please those we love and the comfort in the familiar.  Being a conformist certainly made it easier for our teachers and parents but was it easier for us? By minimizing or dismissing our preference, we pretend that our inclination is “no big deal” but conforming and denial of our true self comes at a cost. The cost is that we step back from what is true for us and we use a great deal of energy to maintain the pretense that everything is fine. We disassociate from our feelings and hinder access to the Divine.

Through my training, I have discovered that some of our idiosyncrasies have more to do with our innate personality, upbringing and culture than obstinacy. For example, my Meyers Briggs Personality Style TM is often judged “cheap” by others.  My personality type values conservation, minimalism and thriftiness and avoids frills and extravagance. As a result, there will always be “enough” food for a gathering, but it will be a moderate presentation, as opposed to overload. The preference is to choose modest and practical over lavish and abundance, especially when it comes to oneself. This moderation is then judged by others as “stingy or cheap”.

In reality, my personality type is generous but the gift of giving is done privately and without fanfare.  Not only do I come to my approach in life innately; I also come from it culturally. I was raised by a humble father, who grew up in the depression and taught us to utilize everything and never waste. His philosophy is perfectly in tuned with my Myers Briggs personality because it honors the conservation of resources. As you can see, my “cheapness” is part of the fabric of my being, in the same way that the person who judges me may be extravagant and lavish due to his personality type or family background. The challenge in life is to suspend judgment. When we begin to accept that it is “OK, to Be Different”, we can accept people as they are and learn from their different type of behavior.

We are all human and because of this condition, we are imperfect and at times we disappoint others. If our intentions are pure (and we know if they are or not), we need to ignore judgment and criticism and accept ourselves. The clincher here is that we also need to do the same for others; to accept their difference and allow them idiosyncrasies. The one exception being that we are entitled to step back and disengage from people who misuse or abuse us.  For the most part, people are benevolent, lack malice and are doing the best that they can. We need to become conscious when we judge others’ peculiarities and differences. This can include physical appearance, such as tattoos, unusual mannerism or behavior. Years ago, my husband and I were in a supermarket checkout line. The woman in front of us was poorly dressed, wearing a thin cotton dress with bare legs and sneakers despite the fact it was snowing out. She had 3 food orders that she was paying for with food stamps. The transactions were taking a long time and the people behind us were quietly grumbling. When she came to the last order, everything stopped when she realized that she did not have enough money. You could have heard a pin drop as the cashier paged the manager. We quietly handed the cashier the amount that was needed. She thanked us with a toothless grin and explained that the food was for her 2 foster children. The judgments that we make! Here was this poorly dressed woman using food stamps in order to feed 2 foster children. How many of us would take in foster children?

Diversity is the spice of life, yet we allow people to judge our behavior and influence our actions while we do the same to others. When we are authentic, our energy is no longer being stymied by a public façade and we release extraordinary power.  By accepting who we are, warts and all, we model acceptance for others and help them to feel more comfortable in their own skin. This month, in order to live a life of peace, love and serenity, I invite you to notice when you judge others, suspend criticism and remind yourself that “It’s OK, to Be Different”.
Questions:

1. How are you criticized as odd or different?
2. Name one of your “unique” traits that you are glad you possess.

“It took a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes”   Sally Fields

Be in the Moment

In the June tip, I wrote that I felt an invitation to “Get Out of the Box and Dream” this summer.  As is my habit, I curtailed every responsibility, except my therapy practice, and took a modified sabbatical. Unlike the four previous summers, I had endless time. I was not moving, planning a wedding or recovering from surgery.  This left me four days a week totally dedicated to whimsy. The weather co-operated with this invitation. June was warm and I immediately began to bike and swim. Doesn’t this sound ideal?

Well for an overachiever, like me, it was a struggle. I have lots of energy and have spent my life going above and beyond “average”.  I graduated early from college with a double major. I received two Master Degrees in three years. And in addition to having a counseling practice, I have always had a second avocation: Retreat Ministry, a Hypnosis practice and most recently, the Journey Back to Self Program. It is no wonder, I woke ill at ease many summer mornings because I had very little to do. Once again, my over achieving nature kicked in. I began to bike long distances and swim at least a half a mile, often after the bike ride.  I also dedicated one day a week to a fun “Adventure” in various parts of the state. It should be no surprise that, at the end of each week, I would collapse in an exhausted heap.

In mid July, I had an Epiphany. I realized that I was still “in the box”; I had just made having “fun” my new oppressor. If I were writing a monthly tip at that time, I would have entitled it “Ways to Take the Fun out of Fun”.  I decided to shift gears and allow more space to just be. I began each morning lazily on my porch reading D’Arcy’s Wakening up to this Day and Cameron’s The Artist Way. I started to “Be in the Moment” and have less of an agenda. I only rode or swam when I felt like it and I scheduled less “Adventures”. I let Life slowly unfold.  I spent more time writing in my journal, reading novels, sending notes to friends and even had siestas! As I allowed the “moment” to inspire me I “got out of the box” and became more spontaneous, more joyful, and fun.

Even so, the overachiever inside was restless because I still did not know what my next step or “ministry” in September was going to be. As often happens, the answer to my question became clear while working with clients who were going through major personal transitions. As they grappled with what they were supposed to do next, I divulged some of my experiences in finding my “True North”. In my life, I have discovered that when I accept my next invitation from the Universe, God begins to co-create with me and “doors blow open”.   My challenge is to do my part; stay in the moment, be patient and trust that the details will unfold when the time is right. Once I get to this posture, I am guided about the next step, showered with assistance and in most cases, fruition is better than my wildest dreams. The creation of the Journey Back to Self program is a typical example of this phenomenon.  When I wrote the program, my only intention was to present it as a workshop. But God had other ideas! Before I knew it, I had recorded a CD, created a website and was writing self help tips. “Doors blew open” as direction and assistance fell into my lap, usually gratis. This aid included a 16 year old webmaster, a graphic designer from California, a copy editor in Atlanta, record producer and web optimizer in Massachusetts. The Journey program evolved far beyond the one day presentation that I intended and it continues to do so today, with and international reader base.

One would think that after all these years and positive experiences, I have learned to “Be in the Moment” and trust that guidance will lead me when I align with my True North. I must confess, as I see summer’s light fading, I occasionally have apprehension because I still do not know my next endeavor and wonder “What am I supposed to do once summer is over?”  Then I sense a small voice whispering, “You don’t have to worry about that now” Be in the Moment... Be patient and trust the answer will manifest itself to you.  All you need to do is see clients, write your tips and be a blessing to all you meet”.  For this moment, that is exactly what I intend to do because I know that when the time is right, I will find my True North and, once again, the “doors will blow open”.

“When we are clear about what we are and what we are doing, the energy flows freely and there is no strain.  The drought is a lost faith in the Great Creator…”  Julia Cameron

Put the FUN back in your day because it is FUNDAMENTAL to your well being. This summer, “get out of your box and dream” by looking at your life and activities in a new way. What is really of value in your life? If you are not sure, ask yourself how you want to be remembered at the end of your life. Factor in what really matters to you, not what matters to others. Once you have the answer to this question, work backwards and figure out the best use of your time, energy and money.  Become conscious of the values and messages you tell yourself and begin to tweak them to be more positive. For example, in terms of exercise, if my choice is doing a less intense workout out of doors and have fun or an intense work out in a gym, I will choose outdoors. Nurturing my spirit will trump nurturing my body!

Be Present to Wherever You Are.  “Get out of the box and dream” by focusing your attention on the Now. It is not past events that pull you back, it is your view of them that keeps you stuck. Stop seeing life through the “Rear view Mirror”. If you are constantly ruminating about a past event, it is like driving a car and only looking in the rear view mirror. You cannot get anywhere fast! As you move forward in your highway of life, look ahead to potential in the future. The past is only relevant if that is all you focus on. It matters less where you have been, and more about where you are and where you are going. Use your breath to readjust your emotions; breathe fully and deeply and open your eyes to the beauty surrounding you. Take a moment to notice, then absorb, the good around you. Approach events and people in a curious, non-judgmental manner as you accept, anticipate and welcome change.

Bring Your Desires into Your Consciousness. “Get out of the box and dream”. Use your imagination and begin looking forward to your desires and possibilities. Create a clear image of the steps you would like to take or what you would like to do. “Get out of your box and dream” about activities that make you happy; then execute them. What is the worst that can happen?  If your decision does not feel right make another decision. If it does not work out learn from your mistakes and, in the meantime, you are developing some resiliency. Take the opportunity to learn and grow from positive and negative experiences in order to develop a “New Perspective”. If you are honest with yourself, there are few decisions in your life that are that vital.  “Leap and the net will appear”. (John Burroughs)

Laugh, Enjoy life, and try something new.  Take laughter seriously and begin to practice it. “Life is a sitcom and you are the star!” says Loretta LaRoche. Allow yourself to become the star of your life’s comedy and laugh at your mishaps and mistakes. The Cancer treatment Center of America has conducted studies to explore the impact of laughter on health. After evaluating participants before and after a humorous event (i.e., a comedy video), studies have revealed that episodes of laughter helped to reduce pain, decrease stress-related hormones and boost the immune system in participants. “Get out of the box and dream” and allow laughter to heal you and increase your endorphins.

Have an Attitude of Gratitude. “Get out of the box and dream” as you develop the daily habit of naming three things that make you grateful. It can be as simple as your good health, a beautiful day, or the flowers growing in your yard. Give your attention to the positive things that are equally true in your day and become fully aware of the good that is life. You will notice a synergistic loop, as you attune more to what makes you grateful, you will become even more happy and thankful.

Once the June tip is published, my sabbatical to “Journey Back to Self” will officially begin and I will be off having adventures. I take this respite for myself, as well as for you, because when I refill my “emotional pitcher” (Journey Back to Self March 09 Tip) in this way, I become more enthusiastic and thus have more to offer others.

This summer, I intend to be “out of the box fulfilling my dreams” and having lots of escapades. Will you join me? I will conclude this article by offering you some sedentary and active ideas. The first thing I would recommend is that you schedule one afternoon a week, or at least a month, to do what makes you happy. Your adventure does not have to cost a lot of money. You could go to a museum, take a walk in a park, go to a beach or lake, sit and read, explore an ethnic section of a city and eat ethnic food, attend an Italian or Greek festival, visit a new library and of course ride a bike.  May you have a wonderful summer! See you in September.

Reflection Questions

What is one adventure you will have this summer?

What prevents you and what can you do about it?

“Just do what you feel … cause I can’t make you happy unless I am.”  Ziggy Marley