Since I was a child I have worn a red cape and enjoyed the experience. It was not until recently that I realized in order to wear the cape; I had to be an “enabler” and put the needs of others before my own. It all started innocently enough. According to the Myers Briggs Personality Test, I am innately wired to sense others’ needs and quietly fulfill them. As the oldest daughter in a large Italian family, I expected to help my mother and take care of my siblings. Finally, when I took the Enneagram Personality Survey, which measures one’s hidden compulsions, I scored as the “helper” personality. It should come as no surprise that I was attracted to a “helping” profession in order to continue to wear a “red cape”. Are you and enabler? If you suspect that you might have co-dependent tendencies, ask yourself the following questions:
Do I make another’s problem my own? Do you work harder to solve another’s problem than they do for themselves? If you do this, you will not have the time and energy to focus on your own needs and issues. Preoccupation with another’s life will distract you from your own growth, as well as, deprive you from doing the things that you want to do.
Do I Play God? Since your interventions are sometimes successful, you can fool yourself and believe that you really have the ability to influence another’s behavior or decision. In reality, everyone has what is known as “self-determination” which means that in the long run people will ultimately do exactly what they want to do. While prodding might initially get some results, unless the person is really on board with a suggestion, the result will be minimal and non-sustainable.
Am I Hurting the People I Wish to Help? In rushing to help another, you may actually be disempowering them as they come to believe that they can not navigate through life with out your help. Keeping a person’s head above water, may be helpful in a crisis situation. But in the long run, when you do not allow them to “hit bottom” they do not take personal responsibility and seek professional help.
Do you wear a “red cape”? If so, THERE IS HOPE AND YOU CAN CHANGE! Although your intentions may come from a place of compassion, there is also intoxication in temporarily assisting others because it helps you feel needed, appreciated or loved. Once you are aware of your tendency to rescue others, even if you are culturally and internally wired to do so, you can resist the temptation. It is important to recognize and to tolerate the discomfort you feel when you fail to help another. Be honest with your motivation and then be gentle with yourself as you try to disengage from the unhealthy behavior. When you are aware that you are enabling, you may want to try the following tips:
Identify the “Hook” – Is this a habit? Is this the expectation of your family or friends? Will the person be disappointed and upset with you and see you as uncaring? Do you feel selfish if you do not jump in? Is this the way you show love?
Use ROI – Ask yourself if your action is worth the effort. On a scale of 1-10, how much will your deed help the other person vs. how much will it cost you? (Oct 2009 tip).
Self Talk –Try using one of these statements: “If the person is not doing at least 50% of their own worrying or work, why should I?” You could also say “If someone has to be unhappy, it doesn’t always have to be me”.
Co-dependence and enabling are not good for anyone. It certainly does not assist the person you wish to aid and it does not help you. It is important to take other people’s wants and needs into consideration but people pleasing usually backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with you, often you will feel frustrated when your assistance is not appreciated or utilized. Are you an enabler? Does your focus tend to be other directed? Do you tend to go the extra mile for others and feel unappreciated and drained from your efforts? The invitation in life is to be considerate of others while staying considerate of self. This month, I invite you to take off your red cape and step back from rescuing others as you “Let go and Let God”.
BLOG QUESTIONS:
Who is the person you enable the most?
What is your underlying motivation?
“…The life of a Caretaker is as addictive as the life of an Alcoholic”.The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo
Contrary to popular belief, a certain amount of stress is necessary and even beneficial in life. When you experience stress, your brain gets a surge of adrenaline which can lead to quick thinking and creative solutions. The glitch occurs when a situation creates anxiety because the demands of the situation exceed your perceived ability to cope. Most stress is caused by anticipation of the event rather than the event itself and is influenced by your feelings of control. Those who allow others to make decisions for them feel relaxed at the onset but eventually powerless. While those who have a high sense of control feel more stress at the onset but in the long run they are more empowered. You want to ask yourself “who controls my life?” and “what can I control in this situation?” If your reality is stressful and you cannot control a situation or another person, you will want to control your reaction in the following ways:
Stress Detection is the first step because you can only reduce stress once you have recognized that you are feeling it. Awareness of your body is an easy way to determine if you are under stress. Constant headaches, upper or lower back pain, sleep disturbance or a major change in your appetite are clues that all is not well in your life. In addition, frequent bursts of anger, frustration, guilt or unhappiness about events or relationships are red flags.
Rumination is when you continually go over the situation or the conversation you wish you had in your mind. When you curtail rumination, you will decrease stress because it will lower any feelings of anger, anxiety, depression or shame. Once you are aware of the triggers that are causing the stress in your life, you can deliberately create distance from emotional distress by suppressing your thoughts through reframing (April 2008 tip) or using distraction to focus on some beauty in the present moment or on a positive situation that is equally true.
Focused Pleasure decreases stress because it creates a “time out” by generating a conscious separation between stressful events, allowing you periods of relaxation in order to re-energize. This could be as elaborate as taking a vacation once a year or as simple as taking some time out for fun and laughter. If you know that you are going to be entering into a high stress event it would behoove you to find an activity that makes you laugh because it will create extra serotonin which will decrease some of the stress that is in your system.
Resolving Conflict reduces the impact of stress and decreases stress in day to day living. While it might be more satisfying to win your point with a sledge hammer, developing listening skills and empathy will promote more harmony. When you are in a conflict, it is helpful to establish a common goal and acknowledge differences. I like to remind myself that the other person is “doing the best that he or she can in this situation” and that we both think that we are right.
It would be foolish to suggest that stress can be eliminated. Remember stress is part of the human condition and can actually be a good thing because it challenges you to look at life with a new perspective. But when stress is maladaptive, it creates undo anxiety and become habit forming. If this is the case, it is in your best interest to develop resilience. When stress appears, you want to decide whether you can use the energy it produces. If it is unproductive and causes anxiety, you will want to develop a preventative approach in order to achieve a greater sense of mastery and peace.
Reflection Questions:
1. Identify one thing that is causing you stress right now.
2. What can you do to manage it for today?
“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances”. Philippians 4:11
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” is one of my favorite philosophies.
In the past few months, when a number of personal challenges popped up in my life, I found that I was no longer walking the walk that I talk. I morphed into a negative Nelly wasting energy as I resisted reality and my emotional energy dropped. (March 2009 tip). Have you done that?
If so, awareness is the first step to healing. Once I realized who I had become, I began to listen to the Journey Back to Self CD and re-incorporate my own ideas back into my life in order to remove my “stinky thinking”. This month, I will share the traps that I fell into and the ways that I returned to a positive center in hope that it will help you to transform into the positive human being you deserve to be.
Judgment is a major stumbling block because it undermines our experience and clouds perception. When I become judgmental, it is an absolute red flag that I am off kilter. Often we return to themes of inadequacy which causes us distress. To counter the distress, we project dissatisfaction on to others. We need to embrace our own personal uniqueness, warts and all. Once we become gentler with ourselves, we will actually become gentler with others. When we accept ourselves, we begin to trust that others really are doing the best that they can do and we accept them as they choose to be. But sometimes when we are in a bad space, our human condition overrides compassion. When this happens, it is helpful to make “soft mental notes”.
Soft mental notes are labels that help suspend judgment and redirect you to the present moment. Thoughts, feelings and judgments are going to arise; they are part of human nature. But they could rob you of peace. Rather than give it lots of energy and intensity, simply observe it without judgment (“soft”) and then gently label it (“notes”) as a “thought”, “judgment” or “feeling” and watch them dissipate. Once I realized that I had become Judge Judy, I began to judge myself about my judgmental nature!!!! To counteract this dynamic and move back in to a place of peace, I would take a deep breath and simply name the thought as a “judgment” and the stress would release.
Acceptance helps us to give up the illusion of control that we have over a person or situation. When we attempt to control, we set unattainable goals as we grip tightly to what we think should occur or what is familiar. The iron clasp grip is frustrating for others as well as ourselves.Often we want to change, but we stall in old reflexes and habits. This is the moment that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and allow our spirit to relax and just let go. Dropping preconceived notions and accepting what is in the moment frees our energy and helps us to be calm and happy.
Attune to the Present Moment because it helps us to “Be” still and listen to inner wisdom. When we have a very active mind, we tend to always be doing, constantly judging and we miss the subtle murmur of inner wisdom and intuition. We become deaf and blind to the Spirit who wants to give knowledge about a situation and help us live a peaceful life. An antidote to this behavior is to take time to notice the beauty that is around you. All the wisdom we need is already within us. The key to accessing insight is to slow down, breathe and listen.
“When life gives you lemons make lemonade”. Challenges come into all of our lives. If we allow it, each obstacle can be an invitation to grow. While I would not wish to relive the past few months, I know that I have evolved because of it. I have gained self knowledge. I have become a more authentic person. I have developed more compassion for my clients who are stuck in unhealthy patterns. I have come to realize that sometimes change is easier said than done. Finally, I have discovered that the rocky path was worth the journey!
Blog Reflection:
1. Name a situation, person or relationship that you find challenging.
2. Focus on that challenge that is currently in your life. As you inhale, allow yourself to focus on a positive aspect in your life and as you exhale, allow the challenge to become smaller.
“Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. Anonymous
February is the month of Valentine’s Day and media focus tends to be on love. Often my clients tell me that they have met their “soul mate” or “have fallen deeply in love”. Have they? Like cupids arrow, “falling in love” can be deep and swift but is this really love? Having witnessed successful and unsuccessful relationships for over 30 years of clinical practice, I have discovered that certain components are crucial in having a healthy relationship. In order to have a thriving relationship with a lover, family member or even a close friend the following qualities must be present: trust, intimacy, loyalty and mutually.
1. Trust in a relationshiphas a balance of give and take. In a trusting relationship you have a sense of safety and are able to explore your feelings and needs. Your partner is willing to listen to you without feeling threatened by your differences; willing to listen to your truth with as much “ear as can be offered”. You have a confidence in your ability to have your needs met without feeling robbed or depleted. Do you trust your loved one?
2. Loyalty is a commitment to a relationship based on behavior born of earned merit, as opposed to a feeling based on attraction or attachment. When there is loyalty, you do not betray your friend, tell their secret or desert them when they are in trouble. Often we stay loyal to a relationship out of habit or guilt. In a loving relationship, there is an allegiance to your partner; there is a commitment to be available emotionally and physically. Is your partner loyal to you?
3. Intimacy exists in a relationship when your authentic self, including your idiosyncrasies, is accepted and cherished. A loving relationship will make you feel expansive rather than small, unworthy or uncertain. It is realistic to expect your “partner” to play favorites: you should be number one! You are able to expect assistance and concern without begging, complaining or displaying anger in order to get what you want. You feel an interest and investment in your life and concerns rather than having your desires minimized or ridiculed?
4. Mutuality needs to exist in order to have a loving relationship. Both individuals need to feel free to be their authentic self. Reciprocal empathy needs to be present as both people are willing to try to understand and care about their partner. A balance of power must exist; while the relationship will never be in perfect balance, the scales must not tip too far on either side. Finally, you need to be able to return to your “authentic self” – your interests and friends without “loosing” your identity to another.
It is February, have you fallen in love? Before you fall too far, may I suggest that you take a little time and ask yourself the following questions:
What do I want from the other person?
Can the other person give me it?
Can I trust the other person?
What could go wrong between us?
Relationships are “in addition to your own worth and loveablenss, not the source of them”.
New Year’s Day is a day of hope. When we open our new calendars and planners, we look at the blank pages and see endless possibilities. What if you did that with your attitude and life too? What if each week, each month in 2011, you planned one slight change in your perspective? This month, I am going to offer you five ideas that you may wish to try in order to develop a “New Perspective”.
1. You can only change yourself. In 2011, make the decision to abandon thoughts of changing anyone but you. The only control you really have is over your own response to a given person or situation. You do not have to let another person’s dysfunction cause you distress. When you release your illusion that you can change another, you will have more energy, time and attention to focus on improving your own life.
2. Practice an attitude of “Reframing”. Since we are human, there are going to be times when we are not pleased about a situation or a person. Rather than give a lot of energy, say the least negative statement that is still true and you will find that it will bother you less. For example, instead of using the phrase “I hate”, substitute “I don’t care for” or “I don’t like”. They are gentler words that are still true but evoke less intensity. Two other phrases that I often hear are “this is killing me” or “it is breaking my heart”. What if they were replaced with the phrase “this is challenging”?
3. Make neutral statements about challenging events. Try this exercise. Think about something that you are going to do tomorrow. Put the activity into a sentence and say “I have to __________”. How does your body feel? Burdened or stressed? Now try repeating it using the phrase, “I am going to________”. Notice how much more relaxed your body feels about the same activity.
4. Create a list of “Touchstones”. Write a list of hobbies, places and people that fill you with joy or that you find intriguing and would like to explore. Pull out your new calendar and make a date to do at least one. Keep the list of touchstones handy and choose to do another one on a day that you are bored or sad.
5. Discover your passion. What fills you with enthusiasm? What would you love to do? People rarely excel at tasks they do not feel passionate about. When you attempt to follow someone else’s idea of your “passion”, you produce results but they take more time and energy. When you are living your passion, and doing what God has called you to do, you will find that you excel more effortlessly and elatedly.
You are embarking on a “New” year. It is filled with endless hope and possibilities. What if you were too? I do not believe in New Year resolutions. I think they are unrealistic and burdensome. What I would like to propose is that you take one of the tips above, or write one of your own, and explore it or incorporate it into your life for the next thirty days. See if it helps you develop a “new perspective” and embrace your life more fully.
Blog question:
Take a negative word or statement that you use and consciously reframe it for 30 days.
Make a list of activities that make you feel most alive or intrigue you.
Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. ~Grandma Moses
The holiday rush is in full swing, does that mean you have to feel rushed too? Did you join in the “Black Friday frenzy? If so, what did that do to your stress level? This month, I am going to offer five tips to decrease your stress and help you have a more relaxed holiday season.
Do you schedule too much activity? If so, you might wish to identify what really matters to you. Look at your holiday tasks and choose to do the ones that bring you the most joy. See which “to do’s” you can ignore this year and remove three unnecessary responsibilities or social obligations from your agenda. Take some time and distinguish which activity is important and what is not as you adjust your focus to include the activities that bring you joy. While you are at it, take a moment and decide the difference between good enough and perfect. Are there some things that you could do at a more moderate level?
Move. Build some form of exercise into this month because it will increase endorphins and decrease stress. Exercise is also helpful when you are feeling depression, a common emotion during the holidays. Climb more stairs at work, do quick stretches, go for a walk at lunch time, make time to go to the gym or do a 20 minute workout session at home. As you exercise pay attention to the muscles that you are moving, it will help to stay focused in the moment.
Stay present to the moment. Besides being in the moment during exercise, do the same when you are out and about. Become aware of the holiday sights, children or nature that is around you. This focus will help you to be in the present moment and “still your mind” rather than overwhelm you with thoughts about the things that you need to do. When you are constantly worrying about future tasks and events, you tend to “catastrophize” and become overwhelmed. Instead, stay with the moment at hand and notice how you become inspired to take “doable” action steps to solve problems” says Judith Orloff MD.
Take a mini meditation breaks. Once or twice a day, stop for 3 minutes and take some deep breaths in and focus on something positive then slowly exhale and release the stress and anxiety. This short break will help you to calm your mind and relax during the day and before bed will help you to fall asleep.
Remember the “reason for the season”. Contrary to popular belief, Christmas and Hanukah are not about getting gifts! They are spiritual holidays. This year, try to be less caught up in commercialism and take some quiet time to reflect on what the holiday really means to you and your life. Allow yourself some quiet time to reflect on some ways that you could become a light for others during the December darkness.
L’Chaim is a common Jewish toast, when translated means “to life”. Sure, there will be challenges during the holidays, but when all is said and done, life is good. Allow yourself to take pleasure in the upcoming holidays and have your happiness be dependent on your attitude and choices rather than outer influences. If you look to outside influences for happiness, you will give your power away and become dependent on another. Practice the “Serenity” prayer. Change what you can change and release what you cannot, accept people and events as they are and just love them.
We’ll always be disappointed if we believe that we can plan for a peak experience and make it happen. True joy can’t be anticipated or planned. It just strikes.” Harriet Lerner
In a few weeks, we in the United States will be celebrating Thanksgiving. Are you thankful? Or do you find yourself constantly disappointed with life? Could it possibly be that the problem is not your life but rather your perspective? This month, I invite you to take some time and reflect on the gifts that are already in your life. A few years ago, Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote a book entitled Simple Abundance and suggested that each night the reader write 3 things that they are grateful for. What would happen if you ended your day in this way? Would you take some time and do this exercise with me?As I reflected on my own life, I am grateful for the following:
1. My body – As a middle age woman, I have the normal aches and pains that accompany my stage of life but on the whole, I am fairly healthy and my body is in good shape. This summer, I became more grateful for my health after I had surgery in May and spent most of the summer in rehab, slowly recuperating. Activities that were part of my daily life had become non-existent or arduous. But six months later, I have resumed my normal physical activities and I am grateful for that fact that my body co-operates with my desire to be active. What is one thing about your wonderful body that has taken you through your life that you are grateful for?
2. My friends -I have sought out, cultivated and surrounded myself with positive, caring, good people and spend as much time with these type people as possible. This summer, I was in need of a “fun” buddy – someone who had the time and inclination to go on “adventures” with me. I sent my plea to the Universe and a woman appeared. Who do you need in your life? Can you ask God to send that person to you?
3. My Country- I am grateful for the bounty and freedom I inherently have because I live in America. I am grateful for the beauty that I experience because I live in New England. I am grateful for the town that I live in. While it is sophisticated, within a one mile radius I have three local farm stands where I buy the local produce. What do you have in your neighborhood? Perhaps you live in the city that is rich in ethnic diversity and can walk everywhere? Maybe you live in the mountains or near a body of water? Take a moment, look around you, what does your environment offer you?
I hope that my reflections have stimulated your own thought process. We all have been given many gifts. The challenge is to be aware of them. You may have an 8 ounce glass that has 4 ounces of water in it. You can see it as half empty or half full. Either perspective is equally true. I invite you to change your perspective this month and see your life as full. As you start recognizing all the gifts that exist in your life, you will notice that they multiply. Happy Thanksgiving.
Blog Question:
What are you grateful for?
What is one thing in your life that you overlook and wish to be thankful for?
”Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” – William Arthur Ward
Fall is officially here, and if you are like most of us your life seems to have wound up again. Vacation is over and the lazy days of summer are long past. As momentum builds with things to do, so does the stress. While small amounts of stress can help you to be productive, when it grows exponentially it becomes a hazard to your well being. In addition, have you noticed as you become more stressed, you actually think less clearly and become less productive and you block out inspiration.
If this has become the reality of your life, what can you do about it? Here are a few tips that may help you decrease the stress in your life and help you to be more calm and relaxed.
1. “Move a Muscle, Change a Thought”- is an AA quote. If you find yourself caught up in obsessive, non-productive thinking, MOVE! When you are at the office, get away from your desk for five minutes. Take a walk around the block, climb a flight of stairs, or just go to the bathroom. If you are in a less structured environment or at home, get out for 20 minutes and do an errand or take a longer walk.
2. Change your thought channel – Listen to some music. I find it helpful to have a playlist that especially keeps me calm or upbeat and I listen to that specific playlist when I need a particular mood change. Talk to a friend – whether it is in person or by phone. Or do a project that takes focus and concentration: cooking, painting, Sudoku.
3. Be Realistic about the task at hand - Prioritize and remove or postpone the non-essentials on your list and you will find you become more relaxed and more productive. If you are feeling over whelmed by a messy desk, house or an unpleasant task, conquer it in small chunks. An easy way to make some headway is to set a timer and work on it for only 20 minutes. When the timer goes off, so are you. Move on to what is more important.
4. Breathe – One of the most calming things you can do for your mind and body is to take slow deep breaths. (In fact, one of the reasons cigarette smoking is so calming is because the individual inhales slowly and deeply then exhales the same way). Your breath is always available to you. Practice taking 3 slow deep breaths at regular intervals during non-crisis times; allow yourself to inhale peace and exhale any troubling thoughts or emotions. As you become proficient at this, you will be able to use this technique to calm yourself when you are feeling stress.
Summer vacation is truly over and you are back into the groove of life. The reality is that you will be thrown some curve balls, more demands are now placed on you as work and school heat up, your day will probably get more complicated but your spirit can still ease into it. The mind is a very powerful tool. As you change your attitude, you can change your life.
Blog questions:
What causes you daily stress?
What do you do to remove stress from your life?
Stress is the trash of modern life – we all generate it but if you don’t dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life. ~Terri Guillemets
I took July off to rejuvenate. I did this because I had become a well oiled machine. I was no longer taping the Creative source within and my inspiration for the tips was dying. During my “sabbatical”, I discovered that while I “talk a good talk” about being present to the moment, I forgot how to “walk” it. The extent of my downward spiral became clear to me when I attempted to take an entire day to have “purposeless fun”, as suggested by Julia Cameron in The Artist Way.On this particular day in July, I cleared my schedule, packed a lunch and set off for a day’s adventure. I was having a delightful time until 1pm. After 4 hours of fun, my mind went on a “seek and destroy” mission as I tried to come up with tasks that needed to get done. The reality was that there were NO tasks; I was feeling guilty and restless because I had forgotten how to be purposeless. Does this happen to you? Have you become so efficient that you have forgotten to relax and just enjoy Life?I became intrigued by what happened to me and decided to look at my situation and explore exactly what had occurred. I discovered the following dynamics that rob me of the ability to enjoy the moment. I also created some possible antidotes that may assist you.
The Traps:
The “Shoulds” – I have a very long list of things that I want to get done or think that “should” get done which makes it difficult to have free time. In addition, I have a high need to be in control; competing with God to be the master of my Universe. AA has an expression “let go and let God”. When I allow this to happen, inspiration and ideas flow to me and my “tasks” get easier.
“Old tapes” – Messages from my childhood play in my head and influence my behavior. One such message: “If you are not busy you are lazy”. Since there is always something that needs to get done, it causes me to become a well oiled machine. This machine works fairly efficiently for about six months but then it begins to break down when it is not regularly maintained.
Innate disposition – I am a highly active person; it is challenging for me to be still physically or mentally. My hyperactivity is a blessing and a curse. On one hand it keeps me productive and thin but on the other hand, I miss Spirit that is embedded in life.
The Antidotes: If this is your reality, what can you do about it? How do you ground and center yourself amidst the demands of life?
1. Be objective about your “to do” list. Is it overzealous? How can you make it more realistic? What non-essentials can you remove from the list and push off to another day? What can you permanently discard or delegate? A way to help you figure this out is to remind yourself of your over all goals for the day, the week, the month or in life. Then take a step back and re-prioritize what really needs to get done.
2. Identify your feelings of uneasiness when they occur. Are they reality based or are they caused by one of your old tapes or issues? If they are unrealistic and causing you stress, come back to your center as you become aware of the LIFE around you. Take a moment – to stop, notice and breathe in the beauty of nature.
3. Utilize self talk – Remind yourself of your priorities in life: your health, your family, your spirituality. Tell yourself that you are “allowed some free time” because it will revitalize you and ultimately keep you more productive.
Blog/Reflection Question:
What is one of your “traps”?
What “antidote” do you use to be in the moment?
Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal. … Sydney J. Harris
During the next two months, I will be practicing what I preach. I am taking the month of July to refill my “energy” pitcher in order to have more creativity and enthusiasm for my clients and readers. I will be taking this time and sacred space to be curious and inquisitive as I have “adventures”. In the month of August, I will begin to ease back into “Journey Back to Self” as I collect material for the self help tips and continue to put the program into book form.
I hope you too will take the necessary time to renew your spirit. If you want ideas on ways to do this, may I suggest that you click on following tips:
Since I was a child I have worn a red cape and enjoyed the experience. It was not until recently that I realized in order to wear the cape; I had to be an “enabler” and put the needs of others before my own. It all started innocently enough. According to the Myers Briggs Personality Test, I am innately wired to sense others’ needs and quietly fulfill them. As the oldest daughter in a large Italian family, I expected to help my mother and take care of my siblings. Finally, when I took the Enneagram Personality Survey, which measures one’s hidden compulsions, I scored as the “helper” personality. It should come as no surprise that I was attracted to a “helping” profession in order to continue to wear a “red cape”. Are you and enabler? If you suspect that you might have co-dependent tendencies, ask yourself the following questions:
